I looked this up after hearing it mentioned on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Brothers and sisters, check out the U2charist! It's just like your good old Episcopalian Eucharist service but with U2 songs instead of boring traditional church hymns!

OK, what the hell? I really don't know what to say. The whole thing is just so... wrong. I guess I'll have to wait for comments from Philos and the other Christians around here.

I saw this sign late last Saturday night at a cheap Chinese restaurant.

Hmm, OK. So they're serving ramen. Interesting. Not very Chinese though. But wait, what's this? Cheese ramen? Really? Hmm!

I looked at the picture a bit more closely and realized that, Holy Cow, that's a lot of cheese! And cheese in noodle soup? That's just wrong! I'm not even sure if something containing that much cheese should be legal in this country considering that over 9 out of 10 Asians are lactose intolerant. Still, I knew right away that I had to try it.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the cheese ramen wasn't available. I had no choice but to order something safe and boring, all the while wondering what cheese ramen would taste like.

"Cheese ramen"--it just doesn't sound right, does it? But how bad can it be? I think I can handle it. After all, I did eat a cup of noodles cooked in boiling Pepsi once upon a time. But that's another story for another blog entry. Right now, cheese ramen is all I can think about.

If anyone knows where I can find this culinary abomination, please let me know.

Here's something stupid. Six Tennessee high school girls (14- and 15-year-old ninth-graders) were arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit homicide after their principal found a list containing names of 300 people they want to kill. So who's on the hit list? Aside from students and faculty members, the list also included Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, and... huh? The Energizer Bunny? Heh.

The principal and the town police have no sense of humor. Or maybe they're just not very bright. Seriously, shouldn't the Energizer Bunny be enough clue that the whole thing was a joke? I hate to break this to you, Principal Weatherbee, but--you might want to sit down for this--the Energizer Bunny isn't real. Hey, it's OK... don't cry. At least you still have Santa Claus.

The world, or at least the US school system, has officially gone insane. If those kids pulled a stunt like that ten years ago, the most they would have gotten is a trip to the principal's office. But the Columbine shooting happened, and knee-jerk "zero tolerance" policies followed. Now, misbehaving kids are routinely treated like criminals. Yay.

For heaven's sake, leave the kids alone. They're just kids. If the police were invloved every time I got into trouble in high school, I would probably be sitting in jail cell right now, making a list of 300 people I want to kill. And yes, the Energizer Bunny will be on the list.

Have you ever wondered what Jack Bauer does to kill time on days when there are no nefarious terrorist attacks on Los Angeles?

Have you ever wondered if Superman is really a nice guy?

Have you ever wondered if man's best friend can also be his drinking buddy?

In case you're wondering... yes, that's a beer, and no, it's nonalcoholic, so don't bother calling PETA.

The new season of 24 happens to feature Muslim terrorists as the bad guys. This of course has some Muslim groups getting their panties (or whatever it is that they wear under the burqas) in a bunch.

Now, as much as I feel bad for them, I think their complaint is nonsense. What were the writers of 24 supposed to do? Sci-fi and fantasy writers have the luxury of being able to use nonhuman villains like aliens and orcs, but the writers of 24 have no such luck. The show needs human terrorists, and any human terrorist inevitably belongs to some ethnic or religious group.

Would the Muslims be happier if 24 features Jewish terrorists instead? Maybe they would, but I bet you a bagel that the Jews would be pissed. See, you can't make everyone happy. The writers of 24 had to choose someone to be the bad guys, and this time around, the Muslims are "it." Unfair stereotype? Maybe. But stereotypes don't exist in a vacuum--they have at least some basis in reality. Do you see Buddhists shouting "Death to America" on TV? No matter how you spin it, the next terrorist act on US soil will most likely be carried out by Arab Muslims, so the writers made a reasonable choice. Would 24 "feel" as real if Jack Bauer has to go after suicide-bombing Catholic nuns instead? I don't think so.

Unfortunately, reason and mindless political correctness rarely go together. Every time an ethnic person is cast as a bad guy in a movie or a TV show, PC idiots start foaming at the mouth and scream "OMG that's like so racist!" So now, we're seeing more and more vanilla villains--white and boring. Just wait until the whiteys start complaining about being typecast as baddies. That's right, kids... Caucasian is a race too. And when that happens, they'll probably have to paint all the bad guys purple, which will work... until Barney complains. Oops.

I have a suggestion for screenwriters who don't want to offend anyone: use chickens as villains. Hey, it's a great idea. Think about it. Chickens have neither race nor religion, so no one will be offended even when they're portrayed in a really bad light. Well, no one except the PETA people... but who gives a crap about what those cowhuggers think, right?

A friend and I had an hour to kill late last Saturday afternoon before watching Saw III, so we stopped by Fuzion Smoothies Cafe. I was ready to order one of their safe and healthy fruit smoothies when I saw "liquid cheesecake" on the menu. Liquid what? Hmm!

Of course, liquid cheesecake sounded like a horribly stupid idea. But I couldn't help myself. You see, I'm afflicted with a neurological disorder that often compels me to order the weirdest item on a menu. In the past, my condition has led me to unfortunate food choices like curry noodles, deer tapa, and pasta with wasabi sauce. And now... this?

Hell In a Cup^TM

OK, it really didn't taste bad. It tasted exactly like blueberry cheesecake, which is something I usually enjoy. But, for some reason, my stomach didn't like it as much as my tongue did. Nausea was setting in even before I finished the drink.

As I downed the last few chunks of cheesy goo, I got a text message from my buddy Philos inviting me to some kind of Christian fellowship thing. My normal response to such invitations is "hell no." But, thanks to cheesecake-induced confusion, I wasn't thinking straight. My friend, who is a devout Christian, wanted to go. I figured that we would still have enough time to come back later and catch the next screening of Saw III anyway, so I went along. Besides, Philos assured me that there would be food. Mmm, food... I like food.

I forgot that I don't like Evangelical Christian fellowships. Oops, too late. Fortunately, the fellowship's forced random seating put me beside someone who also didn't want to be there. We chatted and later sneaked out for some fruit frappes (thank god the place we went to didn't have liquid hamburgers on the menu). This made the time fly by a lot more quickly. Not quickly enough though... the fellowship went almost an hour overtime, which left no time for me to catch the movie. Apparently, good time management isn't one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

When I finally got to see Saw III a night later, I realized that not watching it the evening before was probably the right thing to do. Why? The movie turned out to be even more of gorefest than the first two Saw movies were. If I had watched it right after I downed the liquid cheesecake, I could have puked all over the place. Not fun.

Then again, the smell of regurgitated cheesecake would have added to the gory atmosphere of the movie... not to mention that it would have given fresh new meaning to the term "cheesy special effects," heh.

If you're a drug dealer in Tennessee, you might want to go get an easier job, like a grocery clerk or something. Or maybe just pack up and move to another state. Hey, someone has to sell weed to those Kentucky farm boys....

Tennessee has something called the Unauthorized Substances Tax, a concept so ridiculous that it's almost brilliant. Basically, it's a tax on contraband like marijuana and cocaine. If you possess more than a certain amount of a controlled substance, you're required to pay a tax on it.

Huh? Pay a tax for dope? How? By purchasing tax stamps from the state's Department of Revenue and affixing them to your drugs, that's how.

Hmm, OK. So if I pay the tax, my illegal stuff becomes legal? Yay! Not so fast, crackhead. Your drugs are still totally illegal.

So why the hell should I pay the tax? Well, two reasons.... First, it's the law, and we expect all drug dealers to follow the law. Second, if we catch you with contraband that don't have government tax stamps, you're not just going to jail for illegal drug possession. We'll get you for tax evasion too! And we'll take all your money! Bwahaha!

Like I said, it's ridiculous and brilliant.

What's this?

"501 Must-Read Books"? 501? Really? That's way too many. Like, 500 too many! If my college English Lit professor had required me to read more than 5 books, I wouldn't have graduated... I would be serving a life sentence for murder.

And what the hell is this?

"1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die"? 1001? 1001? Are you fucking kidding me? I'll be dead long before even finishing half of that! No thanks. I'd rather not read the 1001 books and not die.

You know what? I hope that "1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die" is included in the list of "501 Must-Read Books" and vice versa. That would be such sweet recursive lameness... not to mention that it would effectively guarantee death for anyone stupid enough to obey the "must-read" orders. Seriously, if you're gullible enough to pay good money for a book that tells you what other books you must read, you totally deserve to die. Yes you do. Die!

I thought that books were supposed to make you smarter. After seeing these two retarded books, I'm not so sure anymore.

Apparently, what's nutritious for the goose isn't nutritious for the gander.

I've heard that this feminist movement thing is pretty radical, but what the hell? Women have their own nutritious breakfast cereal now? If we don't put a stop to this, what will they ask for next? The right to vote? Unacceptable!

But enough about feminism. Yesterday was a special day for another movement. I was watching the LA Lakers vs. Miami Heat game live this morning, and as the telecast resumed after a timeout, I thought I saw "MILK DAY SPECIAL" on the lower-right corner of the screen.

I got excited and confused at the same time. Yay, it's Milk Day! Wait, what's Milk Day? And why is the NBA having a "Milk Day Special"? Is milk the new Gatorade? It took my sleepy brain quite a while to realize that the text actually said "MLK DAY SPECIAL".

I guess people want to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. by giving him his own day, and that's fine. I've heard that he's a cool guy... he had a dream or something. Still, I'm disappointed that it wasn't really Milk Day.

I blame NBA on TNT for getting me all excited for nothing. "MLK DAY SPECIAL"? HEY TNT, STOP USING ALL CAPS. IT'S HARD TO READ.