Have you heard? Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay! Conservative Christians who were already uncomfortable with Harry Potter's glorification of witchcraft must be foaming at the mouth now. J.K. Rowling is trying to turn our innocent children gay! Harry Potter is the work of the devil! Grrr!

Mainstream Christians, both Catholics and Protestants, consider homosexuality as sinful, which is somewhat funny because they can't stop talking about how much they love this guy named Jesus. I have a couple of stories about Christians and gayness, but before we go on, let's take a break to see how many double entendre Dumbledore jokes we can come up with on short notice....

Did he become a wizard because he wanted to ride on a big broom? Hahaha!

Hey, I bet he likes to play with other people's wands. Hahaha!

So that's why they call him the "head" master. Hahaha!

What? Not funny? Come on! Fine, I'll stop now. Let's continue with the gay Christian stuff....

Some time ago, a Vatican official was suspended by the Church after being caught on hidden camera trying to seduce a young man. Heh. But wait, that's not even the funny part. Here's the funny part: the monsignor insisted that he was only pretending to be gay in order to infiltrate and fight the evil world of gayness.

Ahahahaha! So you're saying that you're like one of those undercover cops who pretend to be drug dealers in order to bust drug rings? Hmm... undercover gay... that's fresh. Don't worry, we believe you. Not.

The gay-hating fundies at the Protestant church that I used to attend like to sing this song sometimes during Sunday worship services:

I will sing
I will worship you
I will bow myself down humbly at your throne
I will give anything
I will give everything to you alone

Yawn. Sounds like your average safe and boring contemporary Christian song, right? But keep listening. The lyrics get real weird real quick....

I long to be the bride that you're returning for
Dressed in garment white and wrinkle free
I have no earthly love that I am holding to
For you're the one who means everything to me

Yikes. I don't want to sound homophobic, but a bunch of grown men singing about longing to be a bride in a wrinkle-free white dress... Jesus, how gay is that?

And yet these people don't think twice about condemning homosexuality. A few months ago, they even had some kind of gay rehab camp for "confused" teenagers. Gee, I wonder how many kids they successfully cured of the dreadful disease of gayitis. I guess we'll never find out. All I know is that if they don't stop singing those ambiguously gay songs, they would need more gay rehab camps soon.

Well, at least they didn't have Dumbledore as the camp's headmaster.