Have fun with the firecrackers.

On Christmas Day, a tiger escaped from the San Francisco Zoo and killed a teenager before being shot dead by cops. Now, investigators are saying that the victim might have taunted the tiger by dangling a leg over the moat. If that's true, the kid deserved to die deserves a Darwin Awards nomination. Messing with one of the most powerful beasts in the world probably isn't a smart thing to do.

I saw the story on CNN while channel surfing this morning. True to its love for hysterical sensationalism, CNN alternately flashed the phrases "TIGER ATTACK" and "PREYING ON PEOPLE" on the lower-right corner of the screen. Oh no! Scary! Run for your lives, people! Run!

I didn't have to run for my life during my own close encounter with a tiger a few weeks ago at Zoobic, supposedly the only tiger safari in the Philippines. Before we boarded the jeep that would take us to the tigers, our tour guide kept trying to sell us a chicken. She said that we would get the tigers to jump on the roof of the jeep if we have a yummy dead chicken as bait, and that the whole experience would totally suck without it. At the last second, Philos decided to pay up, and a guy got in the jeep with a dead chicken in a bucket. No, he's not Colonel Sanders... just a nameless chicken guy.

We quickly came across some tigers resting under a tree. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be in the mood for food. How can I describe the demeanor of those lazy jungle cats? Oh, I know. Have you ever ordered too much food when you eat out with your friends? The meal is almost over, and you're all leaning back with your bellies bulging. There's still one last piece of chicken left, so you pass the plate around, but no one wants to touch it.

Our tigers were pretty much like that. They probably already had enough to eat for the day, and when our chicken guy waved a piece of raw meat out the window, they just looked at each other and went, "You want that last piece of chicken?" "Nah, thanks, I'm full." "Come on, take it." "I said I'm full. Why don't you take it?" "No, you take it."

Finally, one tiger came over and gently licked and chewed at the chicken the way a domesticated kitten eats out of your hand. What the hell? I was hoping to see something fierce--the chicken guy getting his hand bitten off would have been awesome. Maybe I should have followed my instincts and punched the tiger's nose to make it angry. Tigers are so boring when they aren't angry.

The chicken guy extended his arm out the window and tossed a piece of leftover chicken upwards. I heard it land smack in the middle of the roof, and I got a bit excited. This is the part where the tiger jumps on the top of the jeep, right? Well, not quite. The big cat took a long look and wisely decided that the tiny chunk of land tuna wasn't worth jumping for. Or maybe it just couldn't find the chicken. Stupid tiger.

Shou had the presence of mind to take a video of the whole thing. And I stole it. Here, take a look.

Here kitty kitty....

Yes, it was all over in a minute... 400 pesos well spent.

Merry Christmas everybody! How did your Christmas Eve go? Got to open a lot of gifts? Me, every year, I wait until Christmas Eve to open all my gifts just to pretend that I get a lot of them. This year, I received something peculiar from our office "exchange gift" activity. Here, let me show you....

What are these things? What are they for? I can't decide if they're gardening implements or kitchen tools. Here's what the back of the box says:

Add pizzazz and charm to your celebrations with this stunning look. The Valencia collections combines an embossed scrolling motif with an antique finish to create a uniquely yet sophisticated style that will be enjoyed by many for all types of occasions. Well crafted of fine materials and sculptured with care, this beautiful collection will serve a multitude of possibilities and bring pleasure for years to come.

"Enjoyed by many for all types of occasions..." "multitude of possibilities..." "pizzazz (yes, they misspelled the word) and charm..." "uniquely yet sophisticated style." If only they included some instructions on how to use the items, I'd be happy. But no, all I got was a bunch of meaningless big words. I bet somewhere in this box I get a thesaurus.

I was thinking, this must be made in China, right? Let's see. It's distributed by Home Essentials and Beyond (probably as part of their "beyond" category) from New York, NY (the keyword is "distributed"). And here we hit the jackpot... "Made in PRC"! In case you don't know, PRC is the People's Republic of China. And since these things were made in China, "well crafted" must mean "high levels of lead," in which case they're probably not ideal for kitchen use.

What do you folks think? Shall I use them to slice earthworms? Or to scoop rice?

OK, so after three months of being busy, I finally get a four-day break. Yay December! Merry Christmas everybody! :)

Now, we all know that Lay-Z JC the crapper¹ (not to be confused with the rapper) is in a state of anxiety/depression due to the seven-week-old writer's strike that messed with his usual programming. (Just between you and me, I think he'd die if this strike extends past the NBA season). So, now being the Christmas season and all, I'm giving JC a special gift: I'm blogging in lieu of him tonight.

Last Tuesday, I attended the wedding of two of my good friends as one of the secondary sponsors. For those unfamiliar with Filipino wedding customs, look them up. I was to assist the couple with the cord ceremony.

I have been part of a wedding entourage a grand total of three times in my life (the last couple of times were 10 years ago when I was still adorable and cute). And each time, I was assigned to the cord ceremony, where I all had to do is put my half of a looped cord on the groom--never the candle ceremony where you light the candle or the veil ceremony where you pin the veil on their clothes. Apparently, they couldn't trust me not to burn the church down or pinch the groom with a pin. I couldn't even lasso them cowboy-style like in the movies. Not that I mind of course. As long as I can look spiffy and get good food, I'm set.

A funny thing happened, though of course I'm sure the bride didn't find this bit amusing at all. Five minutes before the bride was supposed to march in, the groomsman² was still missing. The bridesmaid was going, "Where's the groomsman? Who's the groomsman?" And the primary sponsors were starting to march in! It's a good thing that a couple of my friends wanted to look spiffy too and attended the wedding wearing their coats and ties, and one of them filled in for him. The bride probably wouldn't have found out until the videos came out if the original groomsman arrived in time for the picture taking, but he didn't. Apparently, he thought the wedding was at 5 PM instead of 3. He must've zoned in on the time of the reception instead of the wedding like I usually do.

Everything went smoothly after that, or at least it seemed to, which is all that's important anyway, right? The only other un-smooth thing that happened was contributed by me. They had a game in which six ladies and six gentlemen were paired up using little bears with matching name tags like "Romeo" and "Juliet." Each pair except the "lucky ones" (who ended up doing the traditional "put the garter on the lady's legs while the crowd leers and jeers" thing) had to do a dare of some sort.

Me and my partner got away with what was supposedly an easy one. All we had to do was sing a Christmas carol. Not hard at all, right? So I asked her what Christmas carol she wanted to sing. She couldn't think of any, so I suggested Silent Night. She said she didn't know that song. How could anyone not know that song?! She asked for something easy. I was about to suggest Jingle Bells when she came up with Christmas Alphabet. How could anyone not know Silent Night and know this freaking song? I said I didn't know the song and she said she would lead, and started singing. So I went, "C is for the hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, H is for the hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm...." I have a sneaking suspicion that this embarrassing performance was my real role for the night.

Other than that, everything went great, and that wedding was the funnest I've ever attended. (Actually, the groom is supposedly a regular reader of chickenmafia.com, so I needed to say that. You'd think maybe now he'd comment.)

If you need a comic relief for your wedding, feel free to send me an email. Include the specifics, like how many courses the meal has, if it includes dessert... heck, just send me the whole menu. And if you're vegetarian, forget it.

---
¹Crapper - [n] any Chicken Mafia blogger, as in "Philos finally posted crap again... he's such a lazy busy crapper;" can also mean "toilet."
²Groomsman - [n] possible replacement for the groom should he get cold feet or become unfit for marriage as per "speak now or forever hold your peace" regulations.

I don't think I've ever been this unexcited about a Survivor season finale, partly because the season sucked, and partly because I already knew who was going to win. Most Web users know that it's bad netiquette to post spoilers without warning, but someone apparently thought that it would be a good idea to reveal the winner in the shoutbox over there. You know who you are... don't do that again! :-P

Alright, let's get on with it. We were down to the crucial last immunity challenge, and Amanda did a little thinking outside the box.

Smart.

WARNING: spoilers ahead.  read more »

I'm doing this earlier than usual because the season finale is less than 24 hours away. Yay.

This week, Denise won the reward challenge again. Drama ensued.

WARNING: spoilers ahead.  read more »

I. Can't. Sleep.

My body clock is seriously messed up. It has been that way ever since I quit my last job almost three years ago. Life as a bum is sweet, and I enjoy being able to sleep at whatever time I like. But lately, things have been getting out of control.

Over the last few weeks, I've developed the unhealthy habit of staying awake all night, sleeping for a few hours in the morning, getting up to eat and maybe watch an NBA game, then napping for a few more hours in the afternoon.

My current troubles started this past Sunday. I failed to get my regular afternoon nap, and after dinner, I was feeling a bit drowsy. In that situation, a normal person would just go for a long night of sleep. But I couldn't do that--I'm a proud creature of the night. I was really sleepy though, so in the end, I compromised. I went for a 30-minute nap at 8 PM.

And I woke up at 1. Oops.

Thanks to my "30-minute" nap, I wasn't sleepy at all when my usual bedtime of 5:30 AM rolled around. Then I got a bright idea. Maybe I should try not sleeping the whole day so that I can finally fix my sleep schedule! It would be like sleep rehab!

Staying awake all day was surprisingly easy. The big cup of coffee that I had in the morning worked like magic. I went to bed a little past midnight and quickly fell asleep. I woke up at 7 AM on Tuesday without the help of alarm clocks (not that they had been any help lately). Hey, my plan worked! I slept like a normal person! I'm cured!

Well, not quite. I started getting a bit sleepy after lunch. So I took a 30-minute nap, which of course turned into a 3-hour one. And I couldn't sleep again until 5:30 AM. So the effects of my sleep rehab lasted for less than a day. Great.

The relapse was severe. I slumbered for 11 hours on Wednesday (that's yesterday). I haven't had one minute of sleep since then. Believe me, I tried. I lay down on my bed at 5 AM this morning and spent the next two hours with my eyes closed... didn't work. I finally gave up and went for breakfast instead.

And now, I'm sitting here wide awake, my body clock more messed up than ever. This is so frustrating. What can I do? Hey, I have an idea! Maybe I should try not sleeping the whole day so that I can finally fix my sleep schedule!

Yeah, that would definitely work.

This week, family members of the remaining survivors came over for a visit. As expected, tears flowed. But we got to witness even more drama than usual this time.

Aw... so sad, right? But if you're a long-time Survivor fan like me, you probably thought of Johnny Fairplay and his grandma right away.

WARNING: spoilers ahead.  read more »

They're all gone. I feel empty.

One hour ago, I was staring blankly at the screen, trying to come up with an awesome blog entry about lazy tigers. Unfortunately, my mind was as lazy as those tigers. I know that I haven't been updating this blog as much as I should, but I just wasn't in the mood.

Instead, I did what I often do when I'm procrastinating--check my RSS reader. As I pissed the minutes away reading useless CNN.com articles, I noticed that I had only around 20 unread items left from the dozens of RSS feeds that I subscribe to, down from something like 250 weeks ago. Yay!

However, my mild sense of pride in this achievement was quashed when I checked my GMail. Holy cow! 1,951 messages? That's almost double from the already horrendous number from four months ago! How did this happen? How am I supposed to find the time to read all those messages? I thought about it and suddenly came to the realization that I'm highly unlikely to ever read all of them. Yeah, I know. I should have figured that out months ago. Stupid me.

On a whim, I selected all the email messages and clicked the "Archive" button. Seconds later, they were all gone--all 1,951 of them. Wow, that was easy. My inbox is squeaky clean now, and it feels kinda nice.

I'll go stare at my empty inbox now.

Saw this job ad for an astrology writer on Craigslist. Do you see anything wrong with it?

What? "Excellent creative writing skills are more important than knowledge of astrology"? Hahaha! Did this guy just unwittingly admit that his brand of astrology is pure bullshit? Oh well, at least he's honest.