I. Can't. Sleep.

My body clock is seriously messed up. It has been that way ever since I quit my last job almost three years ago. Life as a bum is sweet, and I enjoy being able to sleep at whatever time I like. But lately, things have been getting out of control.

Over the last few weeks, I've developed the unhealthy habit of staying awake all night, sleeping for a few hours in the morning, getting up to eat and maybe watch an NBA game, then napping for a few more hours in the afternoon.

My current troubles started this past Sunday. I failed to get my regular afternoon nap, and after dinner, I was feeling a bit drowsy. In that situation, a normal person would just go for a long night of sleep. But I couldn't do that--I'm a proud creature of the night. I was really sleepy though, so in the end, I compromised. I went for a 30-minute nap at 8 PM.

And I woke up at 1. Oops.

Thanks to my "30-minute" nap, I wasn't sleepy at all when my usual bedtime of 5:30 AM rolled around. Then I got a bright idea. Maybe I should try not sleeping the whole day so that I can finally fix my sleep schedule! It would be like sleep rehab!

Staying awake all day was surprisingly easy. The big cup of coffee that I had in the morning worked like magic. I went to bed a little past midnight and quickly fell asleep. I woke up at 7 AM on Tuesday without the help of alarm clocks (not that they had been any help lately). Hey, my plan worked! I slept like a normal person! I'm cured!

Well, not quite. I started getting a bit sleepy after lunch. So I took a 30-minute nap, which of course turned into a 3-hour one. And I couldn't sleep again until 5:30 AM. So the effects of my sleep rehab lasted for less than a day. Great.

The relapse was severe. I slumbered for 11 hours on Wednesday (that's yesterday). I haven't had one minute of sleep since then. Believe me, I tried. I lay down on my bed at 5 AM this morning and spent the next two hours with my eyes closed... didn't work. I finally gave up and went for breakfast instead.

And now, I'm sitting here wide awake, my body clock more messed up than ever. This is so frustrating. What can I do? Hey, I have an idea! Maybe I should try not sleeping the whole day so that I can finally fix my sleep schedule!

Yeah, that would definitely work.