My blood ran cold when I saw the wedding invitation. It said:

ATTIRE: STRICTLY FORMAL

Uh-oh. "Strictly formal"? My worst fears were confirmed when a more cultured friend told me that yeah, it means coat and tie. Oh no! All the weddings I had been to so far only required me to wear long-sleeved shirts, and I already consider that overly formal. Now I have to wear freaking coat and tie? Strictly formal sucks.

I bought my first and only set of formal wear the day before I went on a trip to Japan two years ago. Being the cheapskate that I was and still am, I specifically asked for the cheapest suit in the department store.

That turned out to be a lucky choice. One Sunday afternoon in Japan, I stupidly tossed my suit into a washing machine along with with all my other dirty clothes and let them all spin around for half an hour. I was such a laundry moron--I wasn't even familiar with the concept of dry cleaning. A friend who saw me pulling my coat jacket out of the washing machine was horrified. What did you do? You've ruined your coat! The detergent would damage the sensitive wool! Fortunately for me, my cheap suit isn't made of real wool, and there was no visible damage. Yay for indestructible cheap polyester suits.

Since I came back, I haven't touched the coat jacket once--never had a reason to. Unlike some cold countries where many people wear suits to work everyday, tropical Philippines is no place for coats.

Lots of people around here do wear neckties. You know what? I hate ties more than I hate coats. Coats at least serve a practical purpose in cold places. Neckties are totally useless anywhere in the world. Can anyone tell me what those stupid dangling pieces of cloth are for?

OK, maybe I hate neckties because I can never seem to remember how to tie one. As I was running late for the wedding reception yesterday, I had to go Google for necktie tutorials. My first few attempts failed, and when I finally got it after 15 frantic minutes, I didn't feel any better. I felt like I was being strangled. Maybe I didn't get it right after all. Hmm. Well, it looked right, so who cares if my brain got less oxygen for the rest of the evening?

But for all my aversion to formal wear, I must say that I look damn good in a suit. At least my narcissistic self thinks so. I'm the kind of guy who can't tell an Armani from a... a... what other brands are there? The fashionable people at the ridiculously lavish wedding reception probably took one look at me and mumbled to themselves, "Who's that kid in the ugly cheap suit?"

Of course, I didn't really care what those people thought about me and my suit. I looked respectable enough to get through hotel security without being frisked, and that's good enough for me. But I did wonder what they thought about this one tall bald dinner guest who went with the unfortunate combination of black suit, white shirt, and red tie. He totally looked like Agent 47 from Hitman, heh.