Whoa... the new season of Survivor has really sneaked up on me. I didn't even hear about it until hours after the first episode aired. This is so unlike last season when the buzz started weeks ahead thanks to the controversy over the racial segregation twist.

Oh well, so Survivor is back. You all know what that means. The Survivor-watching chickens are back too! I've been doing this for the past three seasons, and while I still enjoy it, I must admit that it can be quite tiring sometimes. Plus I'm lazy. So I guess it's time to lighten my workload. From now on, my recaps--if you can still call them that--will be short, pointless, and highly inaccurate. If you want informative or insightful recaps, go to experts like Honest Achmed and TVgasm. If you want lame attempts at crude juvenile humor, then you've come to the right place, heh.

The season starts with Jeff Probst screaming at us out of a plane. WELCOME TO FIJI, BITCHES! THERE ARE TWO HIDDEN IMMUNITY IDOLS! THE EXILE ISLAND HAS THOUSANDS OF DEADLY SEA SNAKES! 39 DAYS, 19 PEOPLE, ONE SURVIVOR!

Suddenly....

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Jeff Probst plummeting to his death!

Below, the 19 survivors paddled to the shore and waited. Haha, they're waiting for Jeff Probst. He's not gonna show up, dummies. He's dead.

WARNING: possible spoilers ahead.  read more »