Crafty old man Yao Ming knew exactly where the hidden immunity idol was, and he wasted no time digging it up when his ally Earl managed to lure the rest of the tribe away with some candy.

Arrr! Treasurrre!

This season's hidden idol is a dead turtle! Yao Ming was overjoyed. He caressed, kissed, and generally molested the turtle. What a creepy old man.

WARNING: possible spoilers ahead.  read more »

While checking ESPN.com earlier today, I was excited to see a sidebar link that screamed "Ex-NBA star's anti-Semitic slurs draw suspension." Ooh, anti-Semitic slurs! Sounds entertaining. Tell me more.

The ex-NBA star here is Michael Ray Richardson, who was being interviewed about something that no one gives a crap about.

"I've got big-time lawyers. I've got big-time Jew lawyers," he said.

What? How dare he call Jew lawyers "big-time"? What a fucking racist! At least that's what the dumbass reporters thought--they felt that Richardson was stereotyping Jews as crafty and shrewd.

His response? "Are you kidding me? They are. They've got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They're real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they've got to be crafty."

What? Jews are crafty and have the best security system in the world? That's the most racist thing I've ever heard in my life!

And he wasn't done. "They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean? Which I think is great. I don't think there's nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they're run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they're run by Jewish. It's not a knock, but they are some crafty people."

What? Jews are successful and he thinks that is great? Oh no! Take that back! Racist racist racist! What else did he say? What? That's it? Oh, OK. Fucking racist.

Seriously, can anyone explain to me which part of what he said can be considered an "anti-Semitic slur"? I'm really confused. I just don't see anything here that comes close to Mel Gibson's classic "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" line.

The world's obsession with political correctness is getting ridiculous. Nowadays, it seems that we can't say anything without offending someone somehow. At what point do we just say fuck political correctness, I'll say what I think and I don't give a shit if people like it or not?

I don't want to live in a world where everyone is forced to talk like a robot. Do you?

I flipped over to CNN during a timeout in the NBA game that I was watching this morning, expecting to see Anderson Cooper yapping about something useless. Instead, I was treated to some breaking news from the Philippines.

Hmm. Whenever this country gets mentioned on CNN, it's never good news. So what kind of disaster happened this time?

Turned out that it was just some nut named Jun Ducat taking 32 preschool kids and their teachers hostage on a bus. And why the hell did he do that? He was demanding housing and education for the kids. Ooh, a philanthropist hostage taker! That's fresh.

CNN soon dropped the live coverage, perhaps because Anderson Cooper threw a tantrum demanding his airtime back. I switched over to the local 24-hour cable news channel just in time to see actor/senator Bong Revilla getting on the bus. The hostage taker specifically asked for him because they're friends. Really? Great. It's always comforting to know that our politicians are friends with psychos. And don't tell me that the senator didn't know about this guy's mental instability. Ducat had done this before--he once took a Catholic priest hostage.

Our friendly hostage taker with the Messianic complex soon went on a long rant against politicians, which was somewhat hilarious because he had his senator friend right beside him. He babbled on and on about how corrupt the government is, blah blah blah. Hey, I want to agree with you, Mr. Ducat, but brandishing a grenade on a bus full of kids kinda hurts your credibility, don't you think? Oh, I'm sorry, of course you don't think, or you wouldn't be doing this. Silly me. I should just go back to watching the NBA game.

After the game, I switched back to the news coverage and saw an ambulance on the scene. Looked like he was about to release some hostages. Yay! The bus door opened, and a kid came out. Bong Revilla, who somehow got off the bus while I wasn't looking, took the crying little boy in his arms and carried him to the ambulance. Look, I'm such a hero! Vote for me! Sheesh.

Then the bus door closed again. What the hell? It took you four freaking hours to release one kid? This is never going to end. Just wait until one of the little bastards has to poop. Then you'll really have a nasty "situation" on your hands.

---

UPDATE: The hostages were finally freed after more than eight hours. There's still no official word on whether any of the kids pooped on the bus.

On his recent visit to Iraq, UN secretary-general Ban Ki-Moon must have crapped his pants when a mortar round landed during his press conference. Here's a clip I found on YouTube. Enjoy.

Hahaha! As Mr. Ban ducked for cover, Iraqi prime minister Nouri al-Maliki, who was standing right beside him, didn't even flinch. It's almost as if the explosion is something that he sees everyday, which unfortunately may be not very far from the truth.

What made the whole thing even funnier is that the rocket struck while Ban was talking about the UN's commitment to a peaceful Iraq. Wow, those insurgents sure have an ironic sense of humor... and excellent comic timing too. Maybe they should consider changing careers.

This will be short and not so sweet. I'm busy, and this week's episode was kinda lame anyway.

It was time for a big twist... a tribe switcharoo! Yawn. Everyone dropped their Buffs and picked new tribemates schoolyard style. One tribe ended up with all athletic young men (except for girly man Anthony), and the other tribe had three women and a little old man. Hmm. No one picked Lisi, so she was sent to Exile Island, where she committed suicide out of shame.

The next order of business was to decide which tribe gets to live in the luxurious resort and which tribe gets to starve on the ghetto beach. The fair thing to do here would be to make the new tribes compete in a winners-take-all challenge. But the producers of Survivor were jerks and chose to leave it all to chance.

And the winner is....

The athletic young men lost the coin toss and thus earned the right to become the new tribe of losers. I'm glad that Michelle finally got to have some real food. She's cute, but after weeks of starvation, she was getting dangerously thin. Now, she can eat and then throw up afterwards like normal girls do.

WARNING: possible spoilers ahead.  read more »

I'm too lazy busy to post a decent blog entry, so, as usual, I'll just steal something from YouTube.

Here's the trailer of the PG version of the blockbuster film 300. Enjoy it with the whole family.

Oh great, now I'm hungry.

P.S. I really am busy, I swear. The chickens are about to move to a new server. Stay tuned for the new-look Chicken Mafia.

Guess who wins?

On the last episode of Donald Trump's The Apprentice, the losing team had to go into the boardroom, "where someone will be fired... like a dog!" I don't really know what firing someone like a dog means--can you even fire a dog? But that's what Trump said, and I sure like the sound of it.

Muna and Kristine both knew that they were the two losers who screwed up the task and that one of them will be fired, so they started to prepare for the boardroom showdown by... reading?

Muna the Believer took out her copy of the Bible. "The Bible says if you have faith, you can move mountains. My mountain tonight will be the boardroom. And if somebody picks a fight with me tonight, then it's on! .... And, God willing, I will draw on him for strength," Muna said, her eyeballs bulging.

Wow! Drawing on God for strength in a nasty boardroom catfight! Good plan.

Kristine the Schmoozer chose to read Donald Trump's The Way to the Top. "Muna needs to realize that seeking guidance from God before going into the boardroom is not really helpful. God is not the one in there making the decision. Mr. Trump is making the decision. And I have yet to see God sitting in the chair to his right," Kristine said with a smirk.

Hmm. I think they'll need another chair if God wants to sit on Trump's right, because Jesus likes to sit on God's right, right?

So who wins?

I think I have a new favorite NBA player. His name is Scot Pollard.

Those of you who know him probably also know that he's more famous for his funny hair than for his basketball skills. He's pretty much useless as a player. Even at the peak of his career with the Sacramento Kings a few years ago, his only role was to foul Shaquille O'Neal six times whenever they go up against the LA Lakers. At least that's how I remember it.

Now that he's with the Cleveland Cavaliers, all he does is sit at the end of the bench in a suit and collect a fat paycheck every week for being tall. Like I said, he's useless.

So why did he suddenly become my favorite player? Because he managed to do something way cooler than a LeBron James dunk or an Iverson crossover. During a timeout in a game last week, Scot Pollard, who wasn't even playing, turned to the camera and said, "Hey kids, do drugs."

Hahaha! Nice advice for the kids! Unfortunately, his NBA bosses have no sense of humor (yeah, like they didn't smoke a joint or two themselves back in the 60s and 70s). Our Dunking Junkie was soon forced to apologize. Aw, that sucks. Why did he have to apologize? What's wrong with drugs? Drugs can be good for you!

Then again, Scot Pollard might have become a better player if he didn't do so much drugs... or if he did the right kind of drugs. Marijuana isn't exactly performance enhancing, you know.

It has been more than two weeks since the last episode of Veronica Mars aired, and I'm experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms. I need a fix! My Veronica Mars addiction is real bad--I even had a dream about it when I took a nap yesterday.

When a friend recommended the show to me last year, I didn't take her seriously. I assumed that it's just another clone of The OC (lame) or One Tree Hill (lamer), because that's what the blurbs on ETC made it look like. But I started to hear more and more positive reviews, so I finally decided to check it out when I got some free time a few months ago. I ended up finishing the first two seasons in three days, and I've been hooked ever since.

Here are three reasons why I like Veronica Mars:

1. The writing is excellent. It reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (another show on my list of favorites). The characters have depth, the dialogue is witty, and the story arcs are well thought out, unlike some other shows I love (yes, 24, I'm looking at you). Sometimes I wish it could have a bit more violence and a bit less teenage romance, but hey, no TV show can be perfect.

2. The theme song, We Used To Be Friends by the Dandy Warhols, is catchy. Here's an unofficial music video of the full song for your enjoyment. Just don't blame me if the song gets stuck in your head like it did in mine.

3. Kristen Bell is cute. That's what convinced me to start watching the show in the first place. Yes, I really am that shallow.

The current season airs on The CW, a US cable channel. The "CW"? That's the best name they can come up with? What, they can't even afford to buy a third letter for their name? Everyone knows that a serious TV network must have a three-letter name, e.g. NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, CNN, etc.

Anyway, the bastards at The CW put Veronica Mars on hiatus two weeks ago. And what did they replace one of TV's most intelligent shows with? The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, which is--you guessed it--a search for the next Pussycat Doll. Yes, it's as stupid as it sounds... although I must admit that its first episode did have some sweet moments.

Haha! Vomiting is so funny! But I still hate The CW for bumping Veronica Mars in favor of this mess.

Come to think of it, if they just add frequent vomiting to Veronica Mars, it could easily become the funniest show on TV! Hmm....

Last Sunday afternoon, I found myself at the S&R PriceMart in Fort Bonifacio. I was feeling tired and drowsy from a morning at church, so I headed straight for the coffee stand. I was about to get a cup of espresso when I saw that they had granitas on their menu.

Being the uncultured idiot that I am, I had no idea what a granita is. But I got the urge to try it, and of course I did. Well, turned out that it's just like a normal fruit shake. Except that it's about three times more expensive. Plus the ice is about thirty times coarser.

The first few sips weren't so bad. But soon, I was sucking nothing but air through the straw. Jesus, the thing must be 90% ice. I turned the cup upside down, and the big chunk of peach-colored ice that formed at the bottom didn't even move. Look.

Gravity shmavity. This is the stuff that makes UFOs fly!

So I carried the damn cup around for the next twenty minutes, waiting for the ice to melt and wishing that I had bought a cup of coffee instead.