I flipped over to CNN during a timeout in the NBA game that I was watching this morning, expecting to see Anderson Cooper yapping about something useless. Instead, I was treated to some breaking news from the Philippines.

Hmm. Whenever this country gets mentioned on CNN, it's never good news. So what kind of disaster happened this time?

Turned out that it was just some nut named Jun Ducat taking 32 preschool kids and their teachers hostage on a bus. And why the hell did he do that? He was demanding housing and education for the kids. Ooh, a philanthropist hostage taker! That's fresh.

CNN soon dropped the live coverage, perhaps because Anderson Cooper threw a tantrum demanding his airtime back. I switched over to the local 24-hour cable news channel just in time to see actor/senator Bong Revilla getting on the bus. The hostage taker specifically asked for him because they're friends. Really? Great. It's always comforting to know that our politicians are friends with psychos. And don't tell me that the senator didn't know about this guy's mental instability. Ducat had done this before--he once took a Catholic priest hostage.

Our friendly hostage taker with the Messianic complex soon went on a long rant against politicians, which was somewhat hilarious because he had his senator friend right beside him. He babbled on and on about how corrupt the government is, blah blah blah. Hey, I want to agree with you, Mr. Ducat, but brandishing a grenade on a bus full of kids kinda hurts your credibility, don't you think? Oh, I'm sorry, of course you don't think, or you wouldn't be doing this. Silly me. I should just go back to watching the NBA game.

After the game, I switched back to the news coverage and saw an ambulance on the scene. Looked like he was about to release some hostages. Yay! The bus door opened, and a kid came out. Bong Revilla, who somehow got off the bus while I wasn't looking, took the crying little boy in his arms and carried him to the ambulance. Look, I'm such a hero! Vote for me! Sheesh.

Then the bus door closed again. What the hell? It took you four freaking hours to release one kid? This is never going to end. Just wait until one of the little bastards has to poop. Then you'll really have a nasty "situation" on your hands.

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UPDATE: The hostages were finally freed after more than eight hours. There's still no official word on whether any of the kids pooped on the bus.