Do you know where you're going after you die?

That's a common Evangelical Pick-Up Line^TM Christians like to use when they preach. Of course, they want you to say, "Hmm, I don't know." Then they can tell you that you're going to hell, unless you accept Jesus, in which case you'll be "saved" and go to heaven after you die. Yay!

But, before you get too excited, have you ever considered what heaven is really like? Let's see what the Bible says. Oh look, the Holy City is made of pure gold and adorned with all sorts of precious jewels! Unfortunately, all that bling doesn't have much value in a world without money. And there will be no more night. Um, is that a good thing? Meh. The no more pain and no more death part is fine, but how will Christians spend eternity in heaven? Basically, you'll get to sing praises to God forever and ever. It's just like your normal Sunday worship service, except that it's a bit longer. Hmm... yay?

Life was unbearably harsh for many of the early Christians, so I understand how they could find the idea of an eternity of doing nothing to be comforting. As boring as it may be, it sure beats persecution and torture. But for today's average middle-class Christian to consider that sterile vision of heaven as the ultimate reward... come on! At the very least, it shows a severe lack of imagination.

Seriously, if I end up in such a place, I'd be bored to death. Oh wait, there's no death in heaven. I'd be bored to tears then. Oh wait, there's no tears in heaven either. Let's just say that I'd be fucking bored. What, there's no fucking in heaven too? Jesus Christ, the Christian heaven sucks! The Muslims at least have the right idea with the 72 virgins and the 24-hour buffet.

And how about God? Wouldn't he eventually be bored with such a heaven too? I know that God is a big megalomaniac, but how much constant praising can he take? After 500 godzillion years of endless hallelujahs, he'll probably be like, "Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm the greatest and praises be to me. Now shut up already."

Given enough time--and there will be enough time, right?--heaven will probably bore the hell out of both God and his minions. And please don't give me the crap about how heaven can't possibly be boring because it is by definition a place of joy. I'll just tell you that heaven is by definition totally lame.

The next time someone asks me if I know where I'm going after I die, I'll just say, "Yeah, I'm going to the Big Disneyland in the Sky." Disneyland is obviously so much more fun than the Christian heaven--I'd take roller coasters over streets of gold any day. As a plus, you don't have to bow down and sing praises to Mickey Mouse all the time, although you're free to wave at him during the parade.