I got a new e-commerce project recently. As I was finalizing the terms with the client a few days ago, I mentioned to him in an email that I'm willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement if he feels that it's necessary.

Of course, I didn't really want to sign an NDA--I'm allergic to paper and pens. I only said what I said as a kind of insincere professional courtesy that I extend to most of my clients. Their responses would usually be something like, "Nah, we trust you." I love clients who trust me. They make me feel good about myself. Other clients who may not be so trusting would at least say, "Nah, no need for the extra paperwork." I love lazy clients too, although not as much as the trusting ones.

Well, this new client turned out to be neither trusting nor lazy. Yesterday, I got an email from him containing an NDA, along with instructions to send him two sign copies via snail mail. Snail mail! Noooooooo! So now, instead of getting to take a long afternoon nap, I'll have to go to the post office. Yay.

And I'm now not allowed to disclose the extremely sensitive confidential stuff that I'll come across in this project, such as... um, I don't know, the available products and their prices? Ha! No one shall ever learn of these dark secrets! Unless... unless... unless people visit the finished online shop. Damn those crafty customers!

But, as pointless as I find the NDA for this project to be, I can't really blame the client. After all, he doesn't know me. Plus I did stupidly offer to sign an NDA, so it's mostly my fault. I guess I should be happy that this NDA is fair and reasonable, unlike the ones employees in this country are routinely forced to sign. Seriously, some of those are more like slave contracts.

"From now on, every bit of thought that pops out of your head and every piece of poop that pops out of your ass are belong to us! Yay! Now sign on the dotted line."

UPDATE: I've decided to take a nap anyway. I'll go to the post office tomorrow.

ANOTHER UPDATE: I finally hauled my lazy ass to the post office yesterday afternoon, two full days after I printed and signed the NDA. I couldn't believe that the post office doesn't sell envelopes. I mean, they sell stamps, so why the hell can't they sell envelopes too? Good thing there's a bookstore nearby. I had to buy a full pack of envelopes though, and now I don't know what to do with them.

I feel too lazy to write anything today. So how about a little highlight from the recent Miss Universe 2007 pageant?

Hahaha!

Poor Americans. First they got a mentally-imbalanced Miss USA, and now they got a physically-imbalanced one. Heh.

How about a little instant replay?

Hahaha!

Here are three funny video clips containing cruelty to animals. If you're the PETA type, please look away now. I'm not in the mood for any naked protests... unless you're really hot.

If you're a sicko like me, please enjoy the following clips.  read more »

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Keep your eyes on the drummer on your right.

Ahahahaha!

I have to go now. There will be more funny videos coming later. I would have posted them earlier, but I can't figure out how to embed multiple clipaday clips in one page.

I suddenly got very hungry at 3 AM yesterday while watching the Daily Show. I looked around and found these nice Chinese pastries with bean paste fillings. Score!

I picked out a big one and gobbled it down. Well, I didn't exactly gobble. Bean paste is sticky and pretty much ungobbleable. Yay! I invented a new word!

It took me 15 minutes to finish the whole thing, just in time for the Moment of Zen. I knew I needed to go to sleep because I had a 9 AM meeting scheduled for the next day. But, being the undisciplined bastard that I am, I decided to surf the Net a bit. Just as I was ready to log off at 3:30, it happened.

Hic.

Yes, a hiccup.

I hadn't experienced hiccups in months, so it came as a bit of a surprise. I didn't think too much about it though... until I got into bed and realized that the hiccups weren't stopping. Uh-oh. Hic.

What to do? I tried to recall the anti-hiccup tricks my mom taught me when I was a kid. Oh, right! Drink water! I got up and drank a big glass of water--never a good idea at bedtime. Hic. Nope, didn't work. What now? Oh, right! Get frightened! I tried to frighten myself, but I couldn't do it--amazingly, I somehow knew exactly when I was going to shout "Boo!" What now? I couldn't remember any more tricks. Oops. Hic.

By then, I was starting to taste the snack I had earlier. It wasn't that bad though--the pastry was still yummy the second time around. What was bad is that I was really sleepy but couldn't fall asleep with hiccups coming every few seconds. Hic.

I was getting desperate. I tried holding my breath, rolling around, and cursing loudly. Nothing worked. I thought about looking for advice on the Web, but I was too lazy to get up. Exasperated, I started counting the seconds between hiccups. Hic. 7 seconds. Hic. 9 seconds. Hic. 6 seconds. Hic. God damn it!

Then, as abruptly as they started, the hiccups stopped. I lay still for a while, afraid that any sudden movement would restart the hiccups. I finally breathed a sigh of relief after a minute or so without hiccups. Um, yay? I glanced at my cell phone. 4:11 AM. Holy cow, I had been hiccuping for 40 minutes! That has got to be a world record!

Well, it wasn't a world record... not even close. After a busy headache-filled morning, I checked the Wikipedia entry on hiccups and learned about the man who had the hiccups for 68 years. 68 freaking years? I guess I should consider myself lucky.

I also learned about the case of the old man who had his hiccups cured by digital rectal massage. What the hell? For those of you who aren't familiar with technical terms, "digital rectal massage" means fingering your poophole. And this was the second reported case of digital rectal massage treating hiccups successfully, which makes me wonder: what kind of retarded genius came up with the idea in the first place?

"Hic. Oh no, I have the hiccups. What to do? Hmm, maybe I should try sticking a finger up my ass. Yay! It worked! But my finger smells like poop now. Crap."

Do you sometimes wonder if you are all alone in this world? Worry no more, because we at the Chicken Mafia don't want you feeling left out! So today, we bring you curious news from around the world about strange people just like you.

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In West Virginia, a man slept through getting shot in the head. He woke up four hours later and got confused about the blood coming from his head. I wonder how long it took for him to get sober enough to realize that it wasn't a shaving injury.

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In India, a groom in an arranged marriage staged a hunger strike after being turned down by his bride for being too dark-skinned. The bride finally relented after two days. Maybe the groom became pale enough for her taste after two days without food.

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In Germany, a mom drives her son to rob a jewelry store. "I knew he wanted to rob the shop and I was very worried about him," the mother was quoted as saying. Excellent parenting.

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More news from Germany.... A man was busted for drunk driving--in a wheelchair! The man was in the middle of the road when the police pulled him over. A breath test showed that he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit. However, charges are yet to be pressed since he was in wheelchair and was thus technically a pedestrian.

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In Tajikistan, a woman was arrested for trying to smuggle heroin via DHL. She hid almost 18kg of heroin in a refrigerator and had it shipped to Moscow. DHL became suspicious when they realized that the shipping cost exceeded the actual cost of the fridge by several times. Silly woman.... Everyone knows that refrigerators should only be used for smuggling ice.

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For some insanely disturbing news, we go to Chile, where artist Marco Evaristti shocked everybody by making canned meatballs from ground beef and his own liposuctioned body fat. What is even more stomach-churning is the fact that he and 12 of his friends simulated the Last Supper by eating the meatballs.

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And lastly, in the Philippines, the Court of Appeals finally ended a 10-year legal row over a wedding cake. The couple who bought the cake claimed that it leaned to one side, had a tawdry-orange color, and brought shame to their family. The court however dismissed the case, noting that the cake looked fine in the wedding pictures. Wise decision... and it only took 10 years for the court to figure that out.

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So whenever you feel like you don't fit in, remember that you're not as odd as the other oddities in the world. But just in case you want to be, you've found the right place. The Chicken Mafia accepts you no matter how odd you are.

Caring for your baby daughter is stressing you out. What do you do? Why not put her in the microwave oven and cook her for 10 to 20 seconds? Problem solved. Yay! But wait, the police doesn't approve of your approach to parenting... uh-oh. What do you do? Why not blame it all on Satan? Problem solved. Yay!

Of course it's all Satan's fault. He was the one who compelled Joshua Mauldin to microwave the baby. And why the hell did Satan do that? He was trying to stop Mauldin from becoming a preacher, that's why. Hmm, that makes sense.

Many Christians like to blame Satan for everything wrong with the world, from the Holocaust to AIDS to Dr. Phil. Some even blame Satan for their own screw-ups. Now, I don't know if the "Satan made me do it" defense would work in court, but it sure isn't gonna fly with me. Grow some balls for God's sake. Stop accusing Satan of compelling you to do bad stuff. Considering that "Satan" literally means "the accuser," you're just pointing fingers at each other. It's kinda silly, don't you think?

Besides, are we even sure that Satan is the ubervillain that we think he is? Christians believe that Satan can't do anything without God's permission--see Job 1--which raises troubling questions. If God allows Satan to stir up trouble, wouldn't he be at least indirectly responsible for the suffering that follows? Is Satan just God's henchman, the one who does all the dirty work while God sits on his holy throne with his hands clean? And, most importantly, is Satan the one causing my hunger pangs right now?

Damn you, Satan. It's almost 5 AM! Oh well, I guess I can go microwave some babies for a quick snack before I go to sleep.

A breastfeeding station is like a food court for babies, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to see one in the SM Mall of Asia.

Still, the word "breast" always catches my attention. "Feeding" is a nice word too. And although breastfeeding isn't usually funny, I for some reason thought it was on that sleepy evening. So I aimed my camera phone at the breastfeeding station. The salesladies nearby gave me disapproving looks, and I suddenly realized that I was looking like a total pervert.

Somewhat ashamed, I lowered the camera and asked one of my friends to go check if there was anyone inside. He checked and said that it was empty. Yay! I quickly snapped a picture and left. Later that night, I noticed that I accidently included my friend in the shot. He's now the one who looks like a total pervert, heh.

My friend refused to let me use the unedited picture--something about protecting his reputation. He's such a chicken.

Hmm, I'm hungry. Time to go get a snack. Maybe some ice cream... made from cow's milk of course.

Let me get this straight.... I'll need a photo ID and an expired ID? Why? That makes no sense at all.

I seem to have been doing a lot of kid stuff lately. After my less-than-pleasant trip to an amusement park two weeks ago, I hit the arcade at Robinson's Place Manila with some friends earlier this week, on a day when adults went out to vote.

I was surprised to see half a basketball court in there. A regulation court in an arcade? Hmm. And the sign on the door is fascinating too.

The Art of War: keep the door close and the windows closer.

I followed intructions and stood by the door, but nothing happened. I soon got bored, so I bought two tickets at 30 pesos each to play the free throw shooting game. In this game, you shoot 15 shots in 30 seconds--hit at least 9 and you win a prize. I made only 5 in my first game. 33%... that's worse than Shaq! In my second game, I got 8, which was almost but not quite enough to win me anything. I was tempted to go a third time, but I decided to cut my losses. Paying 60 pesos for nothing is better than paying 90 for a lame keychain that's probably worth not more than 5 pesos.

We moved on to air hockey, which is usually fun... usually. This one isn't. Apparently, young hooligans have been stealing the air hockey mallets. Why? Who knows. What we do know is that the wise arcade management clowns decided to tie the mallets to the table with ropes... somewhat like pens in a bank. And with that, they created the worst air hockey table in the world. The thick ropes kept catching the puck and blocking the goal. I was so pissed off that I forgot to take a picture.

As we were leaving the arcade, we passed by some of the kiddie amusement rides, including this very disturbing one that caught my attention.

A ride straight to hell

I know that designing these things ain't easy, but for sanity's sake, can't you come up with better background scenery than a derailed train and possibly crushed dead bodies underneath? That's so morbid. The kids are gonna need therapy afterwards.

Then there's this even more disturbing ride.

If the Bible is right, also a ride straight to hell

Hey, I'm no prude, but I don't think it's right to expose kids to the idea of mounting the butts of animals. Seriously, can you imagine what this thing would look like if there's a kid bouncing up and down on it? That's just wrong!

Back when I was young, the only objectionable thing that can be found in arcades was Chun-Li's white panty. Well, I didn't really find it objectionable, but my mother did. Nowadays, kids get death trains and simulated anal sex with cartoon mice. Jesus, what's the world coming to?