I suddenly got very hungry at 3 AM yesterday while watching the Daily Show. I looked around and found these nice Chinese pastries with bean paste fillings. Score!

I picked out a big one and gobbled it down. Well, I didn't exactly gobble. Bean paste is sticky and pretty much ungobbleable. Yay! I invented a new word!

It took me 15 minutes to finish the whole thing, just in time for the Moment of Zen. I knew I needed to go to sleep because I had a 9 AM meeting scheduled for the next day. But, being the undisciplined bastard that I am, I decided to surf the Net a bit. Just as I was ready to log off at 3:30, it happened.

Hic.

Yes, a hiccup.

I hadn't experienced hiccups in months, so it came as a bit of a surprise. I didn't think too much about it though... until I got into bed and realized that the hiccups weren't stopping. Uh-oh. Hic.

What to do? I tried to recall the anti-hiccup tricks my mom taught me when I was a kid. Oh, right! Drink water! I got up and drank a big glass of water--never a good idea at bedtime. Hic. Nope, didn't work. What now? Oh, right! Get frightened! I tried to frighten myself, but I couldn't do it--amazingly, I somehow knew exactly when I was going to shout "Boo!" What now? I couldn't remember any more tricks. Oops. Hic.

By then, I was starting to taste the snack I had earlier. It wasn't that bad though--the pastry was still yummy the second time around. What was bad is that I was really sleepy but couldn't fall asleep with hiccups coming every few seconds. Hic.

I was getting desperate. I tried holding my breath, rolling around, and cursing loudly. Nothing worked. I thought about looking for advice on the Web, but I was too lazy to get up. Exasperated, I started counting the seconds between hiccups. Hic. 7 seconds. Hic. 9 seconds. Hic. 6 seconds. Hic. God damn it!

Then, as abruptly as they started, the hiccups stopped. I lay still for a while, afraid that any sudden movement would restart the hiccups. I finally breathed a sigh of relief after a minute or so without hiccups. Um, yay? I glanced at my cell phone. 4:11 AM. Holy cow, I had been hiccuping for 40 minutes! That has got to be a world record!

Well, it wasn't a world record... not even close. After a busy headache-filled morning, I checked the Wikipedia entry on hiccups and learned about the man who had the hiccups for 68 years. 68 freaking years? I guess I should consider myself lucky.

I also learned about the case of the old man who had his hiccups cured by digital rectal massage. What the hell? For those of you who aren't familiar with technical terms, "digital rectal massage" means fingering your poophole. And this was the second reported case of digital rectal massage treating hiccups successfully, which makes me wonder: what kind of retarded genius came up with the idea in the first place?

"Hic. Oh no, I have the hiccups. What to do? Hmm, maybe I should try sticking a finger up my ass. Yay! It worked! But my finger smells like poop now. Crap."