9 Crimes by Damien Rice has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it on the Tonight Show last year.

I like it even though I don't get the meaning of half the lyrics. Hell, I don't even understand the title. 9 Crimes? Why?

After hearing it again on an episode of Standoff a few weeks ago, I thought I should blog about how much I like that song. So I went to YouTube and found the official music video. I wish I didn't.

What the hell? Sure, it's amusing, but it's totally inappropriate for the mood and style of the song! I decided to turn the blog entry into a rant against how criminally lame the music video is.

But I also noticed a video called How To Play "9 Crimes" By Damien Rice in the related videos section. I took a look at it and told myself "Ha! That's easy!" despite the fact that I haven't touched a piano in over a year. Back in college, I used to play a bit almost every night. And although I was never any good, that tutorial video made playing 9 Crimes look like a piece of cake. Mmm, cake....

So last night, I wiped the dust off my ancient Kawai FS690 keyboard and gave it a go. Disaster ensued. The keys felt strange and unfamiliar beneath my fingers. I kept hitting the wrong notes, apparently pissing off the neighbor's dog so much that it wouldn't stop barking.

After half an hour of frustration, I finally managed to play through the whole song a few times without screwing up too badly. Yay! As a bonus, I got the most relaxing night of sleep I've had in months.

It turned out to be the longest too. I still don't know how it happened, but I didn't wake up until 2:30 PM, almost 10 hours after I went to bed. Missing both breakfast and lunch? Now that's 2 very serious crimes.

Two days ago, CNN.com had this pointless article in which Barry Gerald Sands was giving Lindsay Lohan some trite and unsolicited advice. Huh? Barry who? According to the article, he's a "defense attorney who's also a certified drug and alcohol counselor." Uh, very impressive.

Unfortunately, he's not a certified mathematician. "Whatever you have done in the past, do a 360-degree turn and go the other way," he said.

Thanks, genius. For people going down the road to destruction, doing a pirouette or two really helps. Not. Plus, if you're drunk and high on cocaine like Lindsay Lohan, doing a 360-degree turn would just make you fall down and throw up. Not fun.

To be fair, it's not just this guy. Too many people like to say "360-degree turn" without thinking about what it means. I've been hearing pastors using that expression in their sermons since I was a kid. "When I accepted Jesus, my life took a 360-degree turn!" Oh, really? Good for you.

Jesus, did all these people flunk geometry back in grade school? My head hurts.

Anyway, back to Lindsay Lohan.... she may have committed crimes way more serious than DUI and possession of cocaine. Three guys are accusing her of hijacking their SUV and taking them hostage as she went on a drunken high-speed car chase.

I don't know if those three guys are telling the truth or not, but either way, they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm not a chauvinist, but seriously, you three fully-grown dudes couldn't fight off one drunk chick? It's not as if she had a gun or something. Why not just kick her out of the car instead of covering your eyes and screaming like little girls? Grow some balls, wussies.

Janette Toral started a writing project to identify the top 10 emerging influential blogs of 2007. Since I'm lazy, I usually instinctively run away from projects. But I'm participating in this one because I'll get an approximately 1 in 25 shot to win $100. *cue Dr. Evil voice* ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS! I like cash, and I like the odds.

So here's my list of 10 emerging blogs and why I think they're influential. Did I say 10? I meant 5. 10 sounds like too much work.

1. Paolo Mendoza a.k.a. The Philosophical Bastard - He's like the little brother I never had. The ultimate blogosphere politician, he gains supporters by going from blog to blog, kissing hands and shaking babies. He claims that he'll become the president of the Philippines in 2028, so sucking up to him now could be a good idea.

2. The Runaway Cat's SpaceParade - She's known to Chicken Mafia fans as neko-chan. Just like me, she loves food and hates CSI:Miami. She's like the little sister I never had. Oh wait, I do have a little sister... sorry, sis.

3. Greenpinoy - This guy specializes in lowbrow Pinoy humor. He posts short entries several times a day, and that's perfect for my short attention span. He earns bonus points for being a pervert.

4. Fruityoaty - This one is influential because it was most likely created under the influence of some kind of drugs. She earns bonus points for having a morbidly obese cat that looks like Garfield.

5. The Blue Addictions - Flattery and talking about poop are two of the best ways to win my approval. (Bribery is another... hey, look, there are still 5 slots open on this list! *wink* *wink*)

Yay! I'm done!

I do follow quite a few other blogs, but most of them are either too old (blogs created before August 2006 are ineligible) or updated too infrequently (you know who you are :-P).

I was running low on food this afternoon, so I decided to take a quick trip to a popular bakeshop. Because the place is just a five-minute drive away, I didn't bother to change clothes. I headed out wearing slippers, shorts, and a faded old T-shirt.

When I got to the shop, I mindlessly tossed my car key into my shorts' left pocket along with my wallet. As I walked around checking out the cakes and pastries on display, I suddenly felt something hard against my left thigh. Turned out that there was a small hole in my pocket, and the key slipped halfway through it. It didn't fall all the way to the floor only because the key chain was too big for the hole.

The dangling key was getting uncomfortable, so I reached into my pocket and tried to pull it out. It was stuck--the keyring somehow got snagged on the fabric. I pulled harder, but it just wouldn't budge. I pulled again and again, until I abruptly realized that I was a poorly-dressed dude with one hand in his shorts pulling up and down furiously in the middle of a busy shop. God, I probably looked like a total pervert. I didn't want to creep out the other customers and get kicked out of the place, so I reluctantly stopped.

I grabbed some edible stuff and limped backed to my car, with the key mockingly slapping my leg every step of the way. When I got to where no one could see me, I reached into my pocket and gave it one last hard pull.

With the sound of fabric tearing and my wallet hitting the floor, my key was free at last. And my pocket was no longer a pocket--I can't legally call it that if it can't even hold something as big as a wallet. It's now just a gaping hole on the side of my shorts. Yay. Life sucks.

But I did get the chocolate cake I wanted, so I guess this little story of mine did have a happy ending after all.

I was watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno earlier, and Leno mentioned that Lindsay Lohan will be one of their guests tomorrow. Oh, you mean that Hollywood cokehead who used to be kinda cute before she became a freaking cokehead? Yawn.

After the show, I went back to my PC to check the CNN.com RSS feed (that's something I do compulsively dozens of times everyday). I almost choked on my half-eaten cookie when I saw this headline: Lindsay Lohan arrested again.

Whee! I love CNN.

Less than 24 hours before she was scheduled to appear on the Tonight Show, Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and possession of cocaine. What a moron. The funny part is that she just came out of rehab two weeks ago. Obviously, the rehab wasn't very effective. Maybe a few months in jail will do the trick. She can take Paris Hilton's old cell.

All the late night comics will have a field day with Lohan jokes tomorrow... all except Leno. It's not easy to make mean jokes about someone who's sitting backstage without coming across as a bully. Letterman might be able to pull it off, but Leno? Nah. He always plays it safe. So if he wants to make fun of Lohan tomorrow, he'll have to cancel her appearance and find another guest. But what are the chances of getting an A-list guest on such short notice? They'll probably end up with someone really lame, like maybe Ben Affleck or David Hasselhoff. Hmm, what to do? It's such a dilemma.

I think Leno will go for a replacement guest, and that would be the smart thing to do. But it's less than 12 hours before the show, and their official website still lists Lohan as tonight's first guest. Hmm.

Er, shouldn't that be "this week's guests"?

So will she be on the show? Or will Leno be free to crack twenty Lohan jokes, each one less funny than the last? We'll see what happens.

UPDATE: Like I predicted, they found someone really lame to be the last-minute replacement guest.

Huh? Replacement? I don't see a difference.

To be fair, "Rob Schneider as Lindsay Lohan" does sound funny--about as funny as Leno and Schneider can ever get.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Schneider sucked.

Oh yeah? Well, I just did. What are you gonna do about it?

Tagged by Arbet Loggins' Chicken House....

What is a meme? Wikipedia has a definition, but it's too complicated. However, being the cyberstalker that I am, I soon traced this tag back and found Abbie's blog. She has an easier definition (and you've got to admit she is pretty cute).

MEME - Noun. An idea, behavior, style, or usage that spreads from person to person within a culture.

Did you get it? No? Neither did I. Doesn't matter, it's not important. Let's get on with the meme. There are actually two separate memes here, so we need to work fast.

I. ABCs

Instructions: Just change the answers and tag somebody else as per the rules below. Pretty easy, right?

A - Age: 26 (though I look a lot closer to 36)

B - Band Listening To Right Now: The Beatles (yes, I'm really just 26)

C - Career: physical therapist and future philanthropist (though I wish I could be one now)

D - Drink or Smoke: chickens don't smoke but we drink anything as long as it's free

E - Easiest Friends To Talk To: CCF (chicken crime family and Christian church friends)

F - Funniest Moment: it's a toss up, you decide: my shitty valentine or my case for installing surveillance cameras?

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Chicken eat worms, so it's worms for me. Last I heard, bears eat chickens.  read more »

Or is he? J.K. Rowling doesn't want you to know. It's a secret that Pottyheads everywhere must guard with their lives! Hush hush!

Yawn.

I've never understood the mass hysteria over the Harry Potter books. I'm not saying that they suck, because as far as children's books go, they're definitely above average. I've read the first book, and I found it quite entertaining. I would have absolutely loved it... if I were still 10 years old. But for people in their 20s and 30s to go "OMG that's like the best book I've ever read" is simply--what's that word I'm looking for--retarded.

So is Harry Potter really dead? I don't know, and I don't give a shit. But, just for the heck of it, I'm going to say that he is. Hear that, fanboys and fangirls? Harry Potter is dead! Dead dead dead dead dead! Oh, how tragic! Now cry, damn it, cry!

Chickens of the world, here's what I want you to do. I want you to tell everyone that Harry Potter is dead. Feel free to make up your own cause of death. Be creative. Drowning, peanut allergy, erotic asphyxiation... the more ridiculous, the better. Blog about it, shout about it while running naked through the streets, and tell your cell mates about it when you get tossed in jail for running naked through the streets.

Go go go! You have two days.

UPDATE: Here's a list of people who have followed my instructions and announced the death of Harry Potter.

Good job, kids. Anyone else?

While drowning myself in YouTube clips last week, I saw one with the title "Al Jazeera English--What do you think?" in the Director Videos section. I didn't know what the hell a "director video" is, and I still don't, but I decided to take a look.

Hey, it's Peppermint Gomez from that Daily Show sketch! Her real name is Ghida Fakhry, but I'll go with "Peppermint Gomez"--much easier to remember.

So what do I think? I think Peppermint Gomez is a total hottie. If CNN has anchors half as hot, maybe I'll watch more often. Nah, just kidding. CNN sucks.

I'm not sure what to think about Al Jazeera English because we don't get that channel around here. All I know is that, despite being branded by the US government as a terrorist propaganda machine and being used by late night comics as a frequent punch line, Al Jazeera does have a decent reputation as a moderate and independent-minded media organization.

Anyway, I think it's a good thing that Al Jazeera is putting hotties like Peppermint Gomez on TV. This could help encourage Muslim men everywhere to reject extremism, because we all know that if Islamic extremists have their way, they'll want to make Peppermint Gomez look like this.

And that would be so sad.