So it's true. There really is a Complete Idiot's Guide for everything under the sun.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Christian Prayers and Devotions? Seriously? Jesus Christ!

Idiots nowadays sure have things easy. Not so long ago, all the villager were laughing at them. Now, they can learn to use Microsoft Office 97, have Tantric sex, and even pray to Jesus. Ha! Who's laughing now? Yay for education!

Someone please buy a copy of the book and give it to this idiot here.

(Chicken News Network) China is looking to expand its booming manufacturing industry beyond toxic pet food, toxic toothpaste, and toxic toys.

In a move that many analysts say will shake up the global afterlife market, the Universe has outsourced reincarnation to China.

In a press conference, an official of the State Administration for Religious Oppression said that the outsourcing contract allows the Chinese government to "strictly stipulate the procedures by which one is to reincarnate." He calls it "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." China will outsource all reincarnation technical support calls to India.

The Dalai Lama, the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader who has been reincarnated 13 times, is criticizing the Universe for the outsourcing deal. As a sign of protest, His Holiness has threatened to never reincarnate himself in China. In response, a spokesperson of the Chinese government said, "Yay!"

(Above) American babies arguing with each other over competing claims of being the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama.
 

In related news, the Chinese government is also negotiating with the Vatican in an attempt to corner the lucrative Christian afterlife market. The exclusive management rights of Heaven are currently being held by Saint Peter.

A lot of people hate snakes. Maybe it has something to do with how one naughty little serpent tricked two stupid humans into rebelling against God in the Garden of Eden. Bad snake! Snakes are responsible for all the suffering in the world!

But we here at the Chicken Mafia don't hold grudges... at least not for more than 6000 years. So here's a heartwarming story about a little boy who had a snake as a pet.

Hahaha! Good snake!

Anyway, here's a related video. It doesn't seem too related to me, but YouTube says that it is, so who am I to object, right?

Lucky snake :-(

Yes! It's a holiday tomorrow today! Holidays on Mondays always get me up! (Give yourself bonus points if you caught the obscure reference.)

Since it's a holiday, I decided to catch up on some blogs I haven't visited in a while. Reading this post from Neko reminded me of something that happened last Saturday night while I was waiting for a friend to buy medicine from a Watson's Shop pharmacy.

There I was standing just outside the store when this promotions lady for Xando Block and Burn diet pills approached me. I'm not exactly a picture of slenderness, so I didn't know if I should be offended or not. I thought it didn't really matter since I wasn't interested anyway, so I tried to shoo her away gently by giving her a knowing grin coupled by a shake of my head.

I thought that was enough. That should have been a graceful enough exit point for her, except she didn't seem to have any type of grace at all. She suddenly became all defensive, claiming that she didn't approach me because she thought I was... umm... err... on the heavy side, but because she was wondering if I might know someone who'd want the pills. Yeah, right!

I told her not to worry about it, that I wasn't at all offended. But she just couldn't let the matter drop--kept saying how it's only a job and nothing personal. She said she approaches thin people as well, then, realizing the foolishness of her statement, backpedaled and insisted that she wasn't implying that I'm fat. (Which, I hope you've gathered by now, I am.)

After ten years, my friend finally finished her purchase and rescued me from that awful saleslady. She was so tiresome. I bet if my friend delayed for another five minutes, I would have purchased a box just to shut her up. Which got me thinking--perhaps that was their sales strategy all along.

Bug and sell... genius.

Nicole Richie is in jail! Yay!

Oh wait, she isn't anymore. She was released from jail 82 minutes after checking in to serve her four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

You can call a four-day sentence a slap on the wrist, but 82 freaking minutes? That's a joke. The whole American justice system is a joke.

According to the article, "Her time at the Century Regional Detention Facility was spent getting booked, including taking a mugshot and submitting her fingerprints, Holley said. She didn't reach her jail cell."

What the hell? She didn't even reach her jail cell? She spent the whole 82 minutes waiting to have her fingerprints and a picture taken? Yeah, that sure sounds like some punishment. I go through pretty much the same thing every time I get my driver's license renewed. Poor girl.

If you think that was harsh, just wait till you hear about the severe punishment that awaits Lindsay Lohan. After going on a high-speed car chase while drunk and high on cocaine, she got sentenced to a grand total of... one day in jail. Slap that wrist! Yay! Gently gently yay.

Let's see.... If Nicole Richie's four-day sentence was over in 82 minutes, then Lindsay Lohan's one-day sentence should only take around 20 minutes. Yay! I wonder if they'll even have enough time to get all her fingerprints.

Somewhere, Paris Hilton is crying and screaming, "Mommy! Unfair!"

Yesterday, my nice afternoon nap was interrupted by a call from Citibank. I hate having my naps interrupted, and I hate getting calls from Citibank. Those people are always trying to sell something.

But this one was worse than the normal telemarketing crap. I was told that my credit card was involved in a suspicious transaction. As soon as I heard those words, I pretty much knew what happened... deja freaking vu.

Flashback to four years ago.... It was a quiet morning at the office--yes, there used to be a time when I didn't sleep till noon everyday. The silence was shattered when someone from Citibank called and asked me if I bought a pricey Timex watch at a mall in another province. I can still remember my panic/rage. "What? No! Who? How?"  read more »

At least I think it's a free food party. They're hosting the party to promote SM Hypermart or something. Not that I really care. I'm just here for the food.

8:32 Stolen a laptop. Yay!

8:43 Marcelle performed a magic trick with a ring. Ooh, shiny object. So distracting.

8:50 Where's the food? I'm hungry. Someone's talking on the stage. I'm not listening. Where's the food?

8:55 Still talking? Where's the food?

9:03 Did someone just say "dinner is served"? Yay! I'm out of here. Bye.

9:17 Back with a pile of food. Yay!

9:18 Eating and spilling food on the keyboard. Don't tell anyone.

9:50 Time for round 2. Yay!

10:13 Burp.

10:27 No more food. Time to go home. Yay!

11:40 Finally home. Liveblogging wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Next time, I should just focus on the food.

To make this blog entry slightly more interesting, let me tell you about some of the happenings. To spice things up, exaggerations and outright lies will be added to some of the narratives.

• I got there almost one hour late. I somehow managed to slip through a side door without going through the registration desk. Their security sucked, heh. But then I saw everyone wearing name tags, and I got envious, so I went back out and registered.
• Arbet was sitting in a corner selling link love. Isn't that prostitution? Disgusting.
• Tiffy took a sip from a bottle of alcoholic green tea and promptly threw up all over the place. Couldn't hold her liquor, heh.
• Jeff had to leave early because of a meeting scheduled at 11 PM, which means that he's involved in something seriously illegal. No legitimate business would require a meeting at 11 PM.
• The tempura was delicious. The baked mussels were wonderful too--I think I had eight of those. Since I'm severely allergic to shellfish, I'll probably be dead in 30 minutes. Yay!

Yesterday, the Malaysian government honored Lucky and Flo for their exceptional service.

Lucky and Flo are dogs. But they're not your ordinary dogs that are only good for use as food and... uh... food. They have special powers! They protect society by helping the police sniff out the most dangerous stuff known to man.

Bombs? Nope. Drugs? Nope. These two black Labradors sniff out pirated DVDs. That's right, I said pirated DVDs. Amazing! OK, so that's not entirely accurate. They cannot distinguish between legal and pirated discs. But that's not important. 99% of DVDs in Malaysia are pirated anyway, right? Heh.

Over the last six months, the two DVD-sniffing dogs were so successful in helping the Malaysian police deprive people of affordable entertainment confiscate illegal optical discs that the authorities honored Lucky and Flo... by giving them medals.

Huh? Medals? What happened to rewarding good dogs with biscuits or juicy steaks? Weird. But I'm sure that Lucky and Flo were thriiiiilled with their medals. I wonder what they were thinking when the government dude draped pieces of shiny metal around their necks. Hmm. Well, I guess we'll never know what went through their tiny canine brains.

Look, aren't they're sooooooo cute? Aw.

And their DVD-sniffing skills are quite impressive too. It's amazing how keen a dog's sense of smell can be. Just now, I grabbed a DVD, put my nose through the hole, and sniffed hard. The result? I did get a little high--ooh, spinning rainbows--but other than that, I couldn't really tell if I was sniffing a DVD or a made-in-China toy.

I guess that's why I never get any medals from the Malaysian government.

If you're one of our seven many regular visitors, you might have some questions on your mind about my "poop" blog entry last Friday.

"What the hell was that about?"

Believe it or not, I had a perfectly rational reason for it. Read on. I'll tell you.

"How can he write 'poop' a few dozen times and call it a blog entry? Is he really that lazy?"

Yes, I'm very lazy, but there's more to it than mere laziness.

"Has he finally gone completely insane?"

That's certainly possible, but... no. At least I hope not.

"Aha! Was he having diarrhea after eating too much expired junk food?"

Well, I guess my blog entry can be considered a canonical example of verbal diarrhea, but my poop was fine, thank you for asking.

"Is he trying to win the Poop Award at the Pinoy Evil Blog Awards?"

I definitely deserve to win that award, and I plan to complain bitterly about being cheated if I don't win, but no, that's not exactly the reason.

"So what the hell was that about?"

Read on. I'll tell you.

It all started last Thursday, when this blog entry by Neko-chan pointed me to the Gematriculator, a nifty little tool that can accurately determine how good or evil a website is. Hmm. I tried google.com. Wow, Google is 70% evil! Ha! I knew it! Do no evil my ass.

I tested chickenmafia.com next. The result?

Unacceptable! Just 39% evil? So maybe we can never hope to be as evil as Google, but come on! We should have gotten at least 60% or something!

So what's the properly evil thing to do at this point? Duh... cheat, of course. After carefully studying the infallible science behind the Gematriculator, I realized that I need more occurrences of evil words on my front page. But what's a good evil word?

I had been thinking about poop a lot, because I promised Paolo that I would contribute an animated video clip for the Poop Award (still not done with it by the way, tsk). So "poop" was the first word that came to mind. And it turned out to be a wonderful choice too. It's 99% evil! Yay!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the real reason why I posted an entry containing nothing but poop. Pretty smart huh? Thank you. I thought so too.

So I retested chickenmafia.com on the Gematriculator, and....

What the fuck? That can't be right! All the pooping for just a 1% increase in evilness? The Gematriculator is bullshit. Bullshit!

Or maybe I'm not so evil after all.

Poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop (poop, poop poop) poop poop poop poop....

Poop poop poop? Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop! Poop poop poop poop poop! Poop!

Poop poop poop poop poop poop--poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. poop, poop poop poop "poop" poop poop poop. Poop poop poop.

Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop.

"Poop poop poop! Poop poop poop Poop Poop poop poop?" poop poop.

"Poop poop poop poop poop," poop poop.

"Poop poop poop poop poop?" poop poop.

"Poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop," poop poop.

Poop poop poop.

Poop poop poop poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop.

"Poop."

Poop!

---
Poop: Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.