George W. Bush is an idiot. But you know that already, don't you?

This guy is definitely not smarter than a 5th grader. At the APEC summit hosted by Australia a few weeks ago, he referred to APEC as OPEC and Australians as Austrians. Ouch and ouch.

But don't laugh at him. He's an inspiration to childrens everywhere. Think about it. If someone so dumb can become the world's most powerful man, anybody can.

I'm a vegetarian now.

As I rolled to a stop at a red light on my way home late last night, I looked out the window and saw my old friend Jollibee smiling at me. I suddenly got an intense craving for a nice juicy burger. Of course, being the cruel carnivore that I was, I gave in to the temptation without much thought. The normally annoying drive-through window was surprisingly efficient at that late hour, and 10 minutes later, I was munching on an aptly named Yum burger at home.

But as I sat down to check the latest comments on chickenmafia.com, I was reminded of the naked Alicia Silverstone PETA ad that I posted yesterday. Then I started thinking about all the naked PETA ads that I've seen through the years.

Images of naked vegetarian women swam through my head, and suddenly, I was enlightened. Burgers are disgusting! Just like me, cows have feelings too. Those gentle creatures are friends, not food! I tossed the half-eaten burger in the trash and swore that I would never eat meat again. PETA's relentless awareness raising efforts have finally got to me.

Hahaha! Just kidding. I don't think any of you fell for that anyway. If you did, send me $500 right now, then get in front of a mirror, point, and say, "you're such a gullible fool."

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that animals should have certain rights... such as the right to be delicious. Ha!

I would love to go on a date with a PETA girl. It would be so amusing to slice through a big piece of medium rare steak while she tells me why I really really shouldn't. And who knows, maybe she would take her clothes off to protest my meat-eating. Haha, fun! Someone please set me up? Yay.

PETA is at it again. This time, they got Alicia Silverstone to appear in their "first-ever naked veggie testimonial PSA." Did someone say "naked"? Yay!

What, no boobies? Does this even meet the legal definition of "naked"? And I really don't see how eating nothing but veggies everyday can make you "feel so much better and have so much more energy." Little Timmy sure doesn't look too energetic to me.

Oh well, if she insists that she feels good, I have no choice but to believe her. But you know what has definitely not been good lately? Her career.

Once upon a time, Alicia Silverstone was supposed to be the next big Hollywood star. But she has hardly been heard from since she "won" a Razzie for her "performance" as Batgirl in 1997's Batman & Robin, the worst Batman movie ever made.

That was 10 years ago. And right around that time, she became a vegan. Hmm! Coincidence? I don't think so. Clearly, the logical conclusion here is that vegetarianism is bad for your career. Bad!

She still looks pretty good though. Yay.

Here's a fun little story....

In Calera, Oklahoma, an 18-year-old man broke into a woman's house and stole a Nintendo Wii. Boo.

He later returned it and offered a bag of marijuana as apology. Yay!

But the woman refused to take the free weed. Boo.

So the man came back the next day and stole the Wii again. Yay!

Cops went over to his house and arrested him for possession of marijuana. Boo.

The End. Yay!

Kids, isn't that such a heartwarming tale? Now let's have a little quiz.

What important life lesson have you learned from the story?

A) Nintendo Wii attracts potheads.
B) It's stupid to return something after you steal it.
C) It's stupid to refuse free weed.
D) It's stupid to break into the same house twice.
E) Cops are jerks.
F) All of the above.

Good news, Survivor fans! Instead of boring screenshots, we'll be providing video highlights from the show every week. (OK, it's bad news if you're on a dial-up connection. Move to broadband now!) And since this is Survivor: China, we've also hired a wise Chinese chicken to enlighten us with a Chinese proverb after each video clip. Yay!

This edition of Survivor has a fairly interesting cast. Aside from the usual eye candy, we have a WWE diva, a gay Mormon flight attendant, a professional poker player, and... a chicken farmer named "Chicken"? Hmm.

The survivors' journey started with a Buddhist welcome ceremony which gave us the first laugh-out-loud moment of the season.

Hahaha! Strict humorless monks are funny.

WARNING: spoilers ahead.  read more »

Yesterday was the 35th anniversary of the proclamation of martial law by Ferdinand Marcos. That act turned the Philippines from a democracy into a dictatorship overnight, eight years before I was born.

I think I first heard family members muttering about Marcos sometime in the mid-80s. They said "martial law," but I thought I heard "marshmallow." Of course, I was unimpressed. Huh? So this Marcos guy likes marshmallows? Big whooping deal.

And since I was never a big fan of marshmallows, I quickly decided that Marcos was lame. Why don't I like marshmallows? Well, I find them unsatisfying. Sure, they don't taste bad, but they don't taste good either. They taste like... air. Boring.

The only time I ever got excited about marshmallows is when I learned about the famous marshmallow test from a milk commercial on TV. From Wikipedia:

In the 1960s a group of four-year olds were tested by being given a marshmallow and promised another, only if they could wait 20 minutes before eating the first one. Some children could wait and others could not. The researchers then followed the progress of each child into adolescence, and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable (determined via surveys of their parents and teachers), and scored an average of 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

If I were one of those kids, I would have totally failed that test, because there's no freaking way that the promise of an extra marshmallow would be enough to make me sit patiently for 20 minutes.

But what if you're a dumb kid who loves marshmallows and lacks impulse control? Here's a good strategy that you can use when you take the test:

1. Eat your marshmallow right away.
2. Take another kid's marshmallow.
3. Eat it before the researchers have the chance to intervene.

That way, you get two marshmallows without having to wait 20 minutes. Yay!

A few weeks ago, longtime chickenmafia.com lurker Yadin Rosen told me about the ChickenCow Lord, a joke character in the online RPG Dragon Fable. I had never heard of that game before, but one of the screenshots made me laugh, so I have no choice but to share it with you. Yay.

(Click to see a screenshot with dialogue)

ChickenCow: Cluck, Cluck, MOO!

Mysterious: Not Moo.... Doooooom!

Me: Heh.

What can I say? I'm easily amused.

Taken last Saturday on an LRT-2 train....

Confusing? Let me explain.

Two dudes around my age were seated right under a sign that says "Please vacate the designated seats for disabled passengers." I got a bit annoyed, because both of them seemed healthy to me.

But then I thought that the sign is poorly worded. You can argue that "please vacate the designated seats for disabled passengers" means that you're technically allowed to sit there; you're only required to please vacate the seats if a disabled passengers comes along. However, the Filipino version of the sign is a more emphatic "Huwag uupuan ang mga upuang nakalaan para sa mga pasaherong may kapansanan." Translation: "Don't sit on the seats reserved for disabled passengers." So, no dice for that theory.

I was about to brand them as inconsiderate assholes when I suddenly figured out why they were sitting in those seats. Maybe they really were disabled passengers... mentally disabled passengers! Yes, of course! That's the only rational explanation! Poor retards.

I felt so bad for them that I almost wanted to give them some candy. Too bad I didn't have any. I did have some gum, but I wasn't sure that it would be a good idea. I wouldn't want them to accidentally choke to death you know. Hey, retards are people too, and I'm a compassionate guy.

Yay!

Today, anti-government protesters in Myanmar vandalized shops and took officials hostage. But wait, here's the best part: the violent protesters are Buddhist monks!

Heh. Aren't Buddhists supposed to be all about calm and non-aggression? Apparently, Buddhism's lofty ideal of tranquility is just like Christianity's "love thy enemy" meme--sounds wonderful in theory but rarely works in practice.

You can hardly blame the monks though. Myanmar has been under oppressive military rule for decades, so of course the frustration of their people would boil over from time to time. Even the most peaceful Buddhist monk would fight back if you push him hard enough.

I don't know much about Myanmar. I personally know only six people from that country. I was in the same class as them when I attended a training program in Japan two years ago. They were a very nice and friendly bunch. They laughed at my corny jokes, and I pretended to like soccer. We got along real well.

I can't speak for them, but I had seen some of them looking at websites plastered with pictures of Burmese pro-democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi, so I think I can guess which way they're leanings politically. And I feel bad that they have to live in a place where information is heavily censored and GMail is illegal. GMail is a basic human right, damn it! Myanmar's military junta sucks.

I don't know how this monk riot will turn out. Maybe the monks are getting gunned down as we speak. I sure hope not. Their activities may be somewhat un-Buddha-like, but their cause is a just one. And, despite my personal distaste for religion, I understand that it can be a powerful tool for political change. In the Philippines, the Catholic clergy helped topple the Marcos dictatorship in 1986. Perhaps the Burmese monks would be able do the same for their country.

Yay.