Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.

So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.

Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.

Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.

Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.

But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.

But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?

You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.

Clean restrooms are a good thing, but this is a bit too much, don't you think?

I briefly thought about peeing on the plastic wrap, but I figured that having coffee-scented urine splashed all over my clothes wouldn't be such a great idea. So I didn't.

I think I made the right decision. Yay for maturity.

And no, I didn't pee in the sink or on the floor, I swear.

I've been keeping this news clip for about a year now, biding my time until the opportune moment.

Pretty confident huh, Mr. Bayani Fernando? But then Frank happened.

This is a photo taken a few blocks from my home. Permit me to thank the wonderful people from our local water companies for keeping us safe with that line of yellow do-not-cross tape. Now if only you closed that hole up last April when you were done with it.

So now, you're thinking, "A politician promised something he couldn't deliver? Big deal!" Well apparently, he promised the same thing two years ago. I'm not sure what that does to his presidential aspirations. And to think he has started campaigning already. (By the way, why isn't he getting the flak the other senators are getting? At least they don't use public funds to punish us with their faces. Anyone?)

Translation: "The use of the road-rail station is free (no fee)." Okay, why do you feel the need to define the simple word "libre"? Do you think we're all morons? And while you're at it, why don't you define "road-rail station" instead? Thanks.

Anyway, for now, I'll just practice my island-hopping skills in anticipation of the next flood.

1. I will open a private account with a stable bank not stupid enough to get affected by the credit crunch, then live off the interest.

2. I will buy real estate, small companies, and people (including 1 senator and 1 army general) off the interest.

3. I will find the laziest bum on the street and make him a millionaire by drowning him in millions of mixed coins in the 4 smallest denominations. He can only keep the money if he can tell me the exact figure.

4. I will occasionally take a cab with a disguise on and each time pay the driver 10,000 dollars, thereby creating a mythical passenger all drivers hope to take for a ride.

5. I will still take the subway regularly and at random points in time ask an old lady to give up her seat for me. If she doesn't, I'll ask the person sitting beside her to give up his seat and pay him 1,000 dollars. I will make sure my identity is known so that every time I get on the train, everybody stands up to give up their seats for me. I can increase the value till I meet this objective.

6. I will keep my job but hire someone at half the salary to do it for me. And I will still take all the credit. When I don't like a certain project, I will double what the client paid just to not do it.

7. I will regularly use the line from the movie Down to Earth, "Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!"

8. I will buy lottery tickets for all the possible realistic combinations (i.e.only up to 3 consecutive numbers out of a six-number combination) and see if I will win. When 4 consecutive numbers come out, I will know that God hates me and become a criminal mastermind.

9. Everyone who needs something from me (except my immediate family, selected relations, and close friends) must kowtow before they speak.

10. I will hire my own blogger to blog here, hehe. Okay, maybe the guy from number 6 can also do that at no extra pay.

I was tagged by Juice. I'm usually too lazy to do these blog memes, but I haven't posted anything in days, so I guess I'll give this one a go.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?

I was just starting my freshman year in college and discovering the joys of cutting classes.

2. What are five things on my to-do list today?

I don't have five things on my to-do list. I'm a bum. I do whatever I feel like doing.

3. Snacks I enjoy:

A better question would be: What snacks don't I enjoy?

4. Places I've lived:

I've lived in Metro Manila for most of my life. I spent four years of my early childhood in Douliou (back when it was not yet a city) and another three years in Taipei. I was in Yokohama for six weeks a few years ago.

5. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

I have a serious answer for this one. I would do what Mark Cuban did when he got his billion bucks: buy an NBA franchise.

It would be so much fun to sit behind the bench and bury my face in my hands as my team chokes at the first sign of pressure. Oh wait, that's just Mark Cuban's idea of fun. My team wouldn't suck as much as his does.

6. People I want to know more about:

Lord Jesus. And Lord Xenu. And of course the people I'm tagging (in alphabetical order): Carnifex, Lizz, Neko-chan, Paolo, Philos.

So I was watching Canadian Idol last week.... Yes, I said Canadian Idol. I like the funny audition shows, okay?

Anyway, some foppish dude named Ben Mulroney hosts the show. (Never heard of him before? Yeah, same here.) He fails at it too. Watch.

What a mulron.

Of course, it was probably just a lame attempt at a joke. But it's equally likely that deep down, he desperately wants to be Ryan Seacrest. And can you blame him? Seacrest gets the fans, the fake girlfriends, and even a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What does Mulroney get? 10 inches of snow in a remote place called Canada--is that even a real country? Also, as lame as the "Seacrest out!" catchphrase is, it sounds a lot less retarded than "Mulroney out!" I bet he cries into his pillow every night asking God why life is so unfair.

Well, life is unfair. So suck it up. That's what Seacrest would do, heh.

Some people say that American Idol Season 7 winner David Cook is a clone of Season 5 loser Chris Daughtry. I disagree. Sure, they may sound somewhat similar (Cook sounds like a sleepy Daughtry). But, at the very least, they look quite different from each other.

Emo vs. chemo... which look is cooler? Discuss.

Last night, Collezione launched its new C2 clothing line with a nationalist pop art exhibit. I had never heard of Collezione, but I liked the "C2" name because it made me think about sickeningly sweet tea. Mmm.

As usual, I couldn't understand the art, but at least I took pictures. Oh wait, I didn't. Lizz did all the picture-taking because she had the better camera.

I like this one because it reminds me of the classic "Do you see two faces or a vase?" optical illusion. Plus skulls are cool.

But enough about the art. Let's take a look at the clothes.

Most of them are nice normal shirts and dresses but with colorful Philippine maps randomly splattered on them. Filipinos would of course recognize the shape (except for those who failed their grade school geography classes). Foreigners would probably think that it's just some kind of stain though. My favorites are the ones with bright red map prints. It would be so much fun to wear one of those and run down the street screaming "Help! I've been shot!"

The orange dummy in the picture was wearing a cool shirt with "PILIPINAS" spelled backwards. I think it proves that even dyslexic people can be patriots. Yay!

Now this one I really like. It has dozens of little black Philippine maps printed on it, but from afar, the maps look like a swarm of insects. It would be so much fun to wear one of those and run down the street screaming "Help! Get these bugs off me!"

Oops, did I just rehash the same lame joke? Sorry. I'm too old to run down the street screaming anyway--no, not because I'm becoming more mentally mature, but because at my age, any form of physical activity gets me tired rather quickly.

Anyway, I showed some of the pictures to Philos, and he said that he would love to wear those shirts because he's such a nationalistic nut. I'm not sure I share his enthusiasm, but what do I know? I have zero fashion sense.

The event did make me reflect a bit about the concept of nationalism. If I don't get lazy, I'll try to tackle that topic in my next entry.

The exhibit will be open to the public until June 14, 2008, at the CAV Restaurant in Bonifacio High Street, Taguig. For more information about Collezione C2, call 671-2770 or email info@collezione-c2.com.

Right around the time when the Cake Club event was starting up last Friday evening, Lizz and I were halfway across town in a little art gallery for the opening of tripARTtight, a three-man exhibit.

I pretty much know nothing about art, but I have the firm belief that it's not hard to impersonate a sophisticated art critic. How? Just stare at the artwork with exaggerated appreciation or disdain (depending on your mood), nod occasionally, and mutter highbrow comments like "I drink only the finest espresso" or "Salvador Dali is my Muhammad Ali." Easy, right?

Unfortunately, Lizz is a real artist, and I knew that there was no way I could have fooled her. So I had no choice but to follow her around like a lost puppy while trying to keep my ignorant mouth shut.

To my untrained eye, a lot of the paintings there looked like the result of someone drinking a few cans of paint then throwing up on a canvas. I was quite confused. But I never let my lack of understanding stop me from pretending that I know what I'm talking about. So pay attention as I explain some of those works of art to you philistines.

Looks like an artsy version of "Where's Waldo?" Can you find Waldo? No? Have you even considered the possibility that there's no Waldo? Yes, art is profound like that.

A White Lady and a space alien hanging out in a nice garden. It represents the ideal of intergalactic peace.

An artist's depiction of our future robotic overlords.

A man covered in spaghetti. It represents... okay, I don't know what it represents, but I like spaghetti, so... I like it.

Ha! A sculpture of poop! Nice. And I thought those artists are all highbrow and shit.

They also had my favorite kind of art--the edible kind. They served vegan pancit palabok, vegan brownies, and some kind of jerky made from veggie meat. I know, I know... I should have been disgusted. But I swear they somehow managed to make all the veggie stuff taste like real food.

Now that's true art.