Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.

So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.

Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.

Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.

Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.

But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.

But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?

You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.