Remember Gaddiel Cortez the stupid spammer? With a little help from cyber-stalking expert Philos, I've managed to find a picture of the guy. Yay?

I must admit that I wasn't sure whether posting his picture here would be the right thing to do. No, I don't care about his privacy or reputation at all. But I do feel a bit bad for those of you who would have the misfortune of seeing his face, because Gaddiel Cortez turned out to be one ugly motherfucker.

"Hi, buy some V1aGrA?"

Sorry about that. Go ahead, wipe up the vomit and wash your eyes with soap. I'll wait.

You're back? Good. Don't look at that picture again.

This is the first and only time I've seen a spammer's face, and I shall now make a statistically invalid interpolation from that. From now on, I'll assume that all spammers look like Gaddiel Cortez. If you're a spammer and you disagree, please send me your picture and full contact info so I can, um, apologize to you. Thanks.

So what have we learned from all of this? I think the most important lesson here is that spamming makes you ugly. So kids, don't spam. No one will love you if you're ugly.

Now that I've wasted two blog entries exposing this one random spammer to the world (and by "the world" I meant "the four suckers who still follow my blog"), I feel ready to go back to what the Chicken Mafia is really about: pointless juvenile nonsense. So my next blog entry will be about poop. Yay! Stay tuned.

Before today, I hadn't blogged here in months. In the mean time, chickenmafia.com was pretty much dead. The only thing that got posted, aside from the occasional visitor comment on old entries, was spam--lots of it.

Even though I wasn't doing anything with the site anymore, I felt compelled to log in every few days and delete the dozens of spam comments that inevitably appear. Why did even I bother to do that? I'm not sure. Maybe I just hate spam that much. So I guess it's funny how a spammer would be the one to make me start blogging again.

Spammers are annoying. Most spammers are also slippery. They post anonymously, use fake email addresses, and mask their IP addresses with proxies (or, better yet, botnets), making them practically impossible to trace or even just ban.

Then there's Gaddiel Cortez. He's special. Here is his story.

A couple of weeks ago, a spammer who calls himself Mcdaddy posted some spam comments about an online pharmacy. But there was something unusual about this one: he went through the trouble of creating a chickenmafia.com user account, which requires a valid email address.

Now, why would a spammer do that? Who knows. Maybe he was too dumb to realize that this site allows anonymous comments. Or maybe he just wanted to earn eggs. In any case, that was a mistake, and I decided to see what I can find out about our spamming friend.

A Google search of the email address he used, ronquillocortez@gmail.com, brought me to this page. It's just a random website that Mcdaddy posted spam on a few weeks ago, but in this instance, he was stupid enough to make an even worse mistake: he left his real name for all the world to see.

So who is Gaddiel Cortez, and why does he have such a stupid name? Another quick search led me to his profile on an SEO site:

Gaddiel Cortez

B-20 Badjao Rd. Villa Gloria Subd., Angeles City, Pampanga, Philippines
2009

+639212746022

mastergidz@gmail.com

What a fucking amateur. So now, I have his home address, phone number, and possibly real email address? Ha!

Unfortunately, his cell phone seems to be off whenever I try to call him up. That's too bad--I'd love to have a little chat with him. Oh well, maybe some other website owner he pissed off got to him first, and he's now lying dead in a ditch somewhere along Badjao Road... I can only hope.

The rest of his profile is full of funnies, so go check it out. My favorite bit is the section marked "Gaddiel Cortez's Resume":

I have a hight knowledge and good methods in surfing and browsing.

Wow! That's some serious credentials right there. Hight knowledge and good methods in surfing and browsing? This guy is a modern-day Leonardo da Vinci! *sarcastic clap*

So, to summarize, Gaddiel Cortez is a stupid spammer. And I guess chickenmafia.com is back thanks to him. Yay.

See you kids at iBlog6 later.

For over a year now, Lizz and I have been eating out at least three times a week on the average. Over a nice dinner late last month, we got an idea: hey, we both like to eat and complain, so why don't we start a food blog together?

I have unsophisticated tastes, so instead of the usual 5- or 10-point scales, I suggested a simple system where each food item is either yes, no, or meh. Then we realized that yes/no/meh can pretty much describe everything in the universe, and so the idea for a general review blog was born.

After our usual bouts of procrastination, YesNoMeh.com is finally up, with the new emo vampire movie New Moon as our first item for review. So go, check it out. You can also follow us on Twitter if you're into that sort of thing.

I know, I know... I'm failing miserably with the one blog that I have, so I have to be nuts to start another one. But I think this will work out. I promise to post a real blog entry here soon. Real soon. Really.

Why don't you believe me?

Finder Incorporated, Lizz's new cyberpunk webcomic series, will appear on BSCreview starting this Thursday.

Be sure to go check it out.

Also, Manhunt #1 is out. Lizz did the coloring on that one.

Finally, the two of us are starting a new blog together--more details coming soon. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm abandoning the Chicken Mafia. A real blog entry will be up here either tonight or tomorrow. Or whenever I feel like it. I promise.

Lizz has a new art exhibit coming up.

The exhibit runs from November 5 to 29, 2009 at the Mag:net Cafe, Bonifacio High Street. The opening is at 5 PM on November 5. Be there.

And I know I've said this before, but I'll start posting real blog entries again. Soon. I swear.

I can't remember the last time I posted a real blog entry, but I promise to start blogging again soon. Not today though.

While you're breathlessly waiting for my brilliant upcoming blog entry, here are a few quick plugs.

1.

It has been two weeks since Typhoon Ondoy, but people in badly affected areas still need our help. If you're a fan of Krispy Kreme like I am, there's an easy way to help raise some funds. The proceeds from every Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut you buy this Sunday (October 11, 2009) will go to relief operations, so go stuff your face with doughnuts. You may kill yourself in the process, but you'd be helping other people survive, and that's a good thing.

2.

Two weeks ago, I attended a National Thank You Day Philippines event sponsored by Toblerone. My brain wasn't working that night, and I didn't quite understand what the Thank You Day thing is all about, so I guess you'll have to go check out their website and find out for yourself.

I went through the site a few times, but I still don't get it. I'm dumb. One thing that I found amusing though is this e-card on the website.

Does it say "Toberone"? Heh. I don't think the sponsor would want to thank the artist for misspelling their brand name.

3.

Taal Vista Hotel, Pearl Farm Beach Resort, 7 Stones Boracay Suites and Club Punta Fuego are offering Spanish buffets for the month of October. I got to sample some of their fancy dishes at the Flavors of Spain '09 launch event last September 24. Before that, the only type of Spanish food I knew was paella. Now, I also know... um... um... well, it has been two weeks since the event, so I don't remember any of the names. But they were all yummy, I swear.

Thanks to Typhoon Ondoy, the Philippines just experienced what some are calling the country's worst flood in 20 years. I've never seen anything like it, and I hope I never do again.

I have to consider myself very lucky though. The worst that happened to me was getting stranded in traffic for a few hours, which is peanuts compared to the plight of those who had to clamber onto their rooftops to wait for rescue boats that never came. Rescue personnel were trying the best that they could with limited resources, so we can't blame them, but here's a big "fuck you" to the government officials who spent our tax money on useless thing like infomercials instead of, I don't know, rubber boats?

The one lesson I took away from all of this is that we can't count on our corrupt and incompetent government to help us--we have to help each other.

So let's help.

See Google's Typhoon Ondoy page for ways to do so, including donation via SMS and PayPal. If you live in Metro Manila, scroll down to the end of the Google page to find a list of places where you can drop off relief goods. I suggest donating useful items like:

- Bottled water
- Canned goods, biscuits, and other food that don't require cooking
- Old clothes
- Blankets
- Flashlights

Give what you can. Every bit helps.

Ahoy, mateys! T'day be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so I be bloggarin' like a pirate. Arrr!

Yesterday, me and me buxom beauty boarded a Red Ribbon ship and raided a merry feast hosted by t'fearsome Cap'n NomNom.

Arrr!!!

The grub was delightful, but the best part of the feast was the strange cake--a curious mix of moist chiffon and white chocolate flakes topped with luscious cherries. Arrr! They said it be their new White Forest cake.

Arrr!!!

I say it be t'albino cousin o' t'Black Forest cake. O' course, we pillaged t'cakes like good hungry pirates. It be yummy. Wait, do pirates say "yummy"? Arrr! Talkin' like a pirate be harrrd.

Anyway, all ye pirates can purchase yer own White Forest cakes on various ships o' t'Red Ribbon fleet docked around t'Philippine Islands. A big one costs 560 silver coins; a small one costs 335.

If ye be lazy land lubber, ye can dial 8-7777 on yer fancy-pants talkin' machine and have yer grub delivered t'yer door.

I'm shovin' now, mateys. Arrr!

That's the name of an upcoming art exhibit.

Lizz painted that flower and a bunch of other stuff for the exhibit. She's awesome.

Opening night is on this Friday, September 4, 2009, starting at 7 PM. All of you are invited. There will be free vegetarian food and wine! Being a meat-eating nondrinker, I'm not really too excited. Yay! I'm so excited!

I turned 29 last Friday. To celebrate, I had lunch with the girlfriend, then went for a game of laser tag and a nice dinner with old friends.

At least that was the plan. Here's what actually happened.

In anticipation of the long fun day ahead, I went to sleep at 2 AM, an hour earlier than my usual bedtime.

Two hours later, I was woken up by a bad stomach ache. I went straight to the toilet. Oh yay, diarrhea on my birthday. Great. I knew it--the tofu from last night tasted a bit funny. Shouldn't have eaten it.

Little did I know that things were about to get worse. A lot worse.

As I washed my hands, I felt queasy all of a sudden. Moments later, streams of vomit started shooting out of my mouth, totally catching me by surprise. Good news: I was right over the sink. Bad news: a significant portion of the vomit came out through my nose. Ouch.

Joyfulchicken says: BLAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
Jew Chicken says: Happy Vomitzvah.

After a good five or six heaves, I looked down and examined my handiwork. There were quite a lot of solid chunks in my vomit, almost enough to clog up the sink. Gross.

Throwing up did make me feel better though, so I gargled, cleared my nose, brushed my teeth, and got ready to go back to sleep.

But first, I had to replenish the lost fluids so that I wouldn't die of dehydration. I looked in the fridge and found a bottle of grape-flavored Gatorade. Perfect! I gulped it down and went back to bed.

Just as I was about to drift off, I suddenly felt queasy again. Oh god, no! As the vomit climbed up my throat, I pressed both hands over my mouth in an attempt to buy myself enough time to get to the bathroom. It didn't work, and I puked all over the bedroom floor.

I ran over to the sink and continued emptying the contents of my stomach. Again, there were a lot of solid chunks, except this time, everything was purple.

It wasn't even 5 AM yet, and my birthday was already ruined. I ended up canceling all my plans and spending most of the day wallowing in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. I guess that officially makes it my worst birthday ever.

Oh well, at least I didn't throw up again.