Kids, you're looking at the device that will put an end to all the diseases in the world!
On the outside, it doesn't look too impressive. It's an ugly metal box with a screen plus a few buttons and knobs. It comes with a standard PC keyboard--well, standard except that there is only one big Delete key where separate Insert and Delete keys should be. And, interestingly, it saves data on a 3 1/2-inch diskette. Wow, really? People actually still use those? I haven't seen of one of those fossils for years.
But beneath the ordinary-looking shell lies extraordinary healing powers that no machine in history has even possessed. So what is this amazing contraption? As the pastor who showed me the device earlier today explained, it is a Rife beam ray machine.
Huh? What is a beam ray machine? The beam ray machine was derived from the works of mad scientist Royal Raymond Rife in the 1930s. Yes, the 1930s. The basic concept is that each type of disease-causing microbes oscillates at a specific frequency. By blasting those microbes with a sound wave of the proper frequency, we can make them explode the same way that the voice of Mariah Carey shatters glass. Bacteria ka-boom = disease cured. Yay! Makes sense? Yay!
OK, that's wonderful, but how do I know what frequency to use? Don't worry, my friend. The beam ray machine comes with a neat manual (see picture) containing the names of every disease that you can think of and the corresponding frequencies. By fiddling with the settings, you can use this machine to cure anything from migraine to cancer to AIDS! Just input the correct number and press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start!
Seriously, all this is starting to sound like a gigantic load of bullshit. Do you have any scientific proof? Peer reviews? Controlled clinical trials? Anything? Well, not really. But that's only because the technology has been suppressed for decades by evil pharmaceutical companies that control the FDA and the whole medical industry! The dog ate my homework Their goons burned down Mr. Rife's lab and destroyed all his notes containing the detailed results of his experiments! In fact, Mr. Rife was so devastated that he become an alcoholic and died of a drug overdose. Poor Mr. Rife! Pharmaceutical companies don't want you to have this miracle cure. They want to keep you sick so that you'll keep buying their drugs!
Wait a minute... if the beam ray machine can cure anything, why didn't Mr. Rife use it to treat his own alcoholism? .... Never mind, don't answer that.
I asked the pastor if he has had personal success with the device. He enthusiastically told me story after story of sick people getting better after he treated them with magic beam rays. Cool. I then asked if he had encountered instances where the device didn't work. After a bit of awkward silence, he admitted that yeah, it doesn't always work. Hmm....
Most sane rational people would see the whole thing, from the concept to the execution, for what it is--a laughable scam. So you would think that the good pastor who swears by the magical device is a total idiot. But the sad thing is that he's actually a well-educated guy... brilliant public speaker... definitely above average IQ.
It must be true that there's a sucker born every minute. Of course, it's hard to judge them. With enough effort, anyone can be deceived. This interesting podcast mentioned on Carnifex's blog illustrates how human perception can be easily manipulated. It's true... we humans are stupid stupid animals.
But to be fooled by the claim that a beeping and buzzing metal box can cure all diseases? Come on! Unfortunately, religious people, even the smarter ones, seem to be particularly susceptible to this kind of pseudoscience. Oh well, I guess that should come as no surprise. Think about it. If you can believe in a magical son of god who can heal the sick and perform miracles, it's probably not too much of a stretch to believe that a magical god machine can do the same, right? Right?
Anyway, to end this rant on a positive note... hey, good news for all you Catholics. You really don't have to use condoms! If you do catch nasty STDs, just come before the Jesus miracle beam ray machine and confess your sins, and you shall be healed.
Yay!
