The G.I. Joe Movie is coming out next year, and as a fan of the old TV series, I'm very excited. But I'm not sure I like some of the casting choices. If were in charge, the cast would look something like this:

(in alphabetical order)

Barbecue

Casting Darth Vader would really be a coup de force for the 80s.

Bazooka

It's a toss-up between Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck.

Destro

A slam dunk. They even have the same build.

Dr. Mindbender

The Monopoly guy just has to practice looking a bit nastier.

Duke

They can use the movie as a springboard for a MacGyver movie.

Monkeywrench

Kenny Rogers just has to grow his beard back more then it's a cinch.

Quick Kick

I don't know the big kung fu guy's name, but the casting staff can ask Van Damme (if they can find him).

Roadblock

I think I’m getting the hang of this.

Serpentor

If you've ever played Rockman 3, you'll agree with this.

Sgt. Slaughter

I'm not sure who copied whom.

Shipwreck

Second guy from the left. In the Navy....

Spirit

I'm not racist. I just go with similar looks. =)

Xamot

Sorry, couldn't Photoshop Sharon from the picture.

From a bookstore somewhere....

... by a cartoon caveman? Ooh, scary.

Shoplifters, be afraid. Be very afraid!

OK, time for a lame joke....

Hey, that caveman must be in a book club! Hahaha!

What? Not funny? Well, that was the best I could come up with. My brain is still sloshing around like chili-induced diarrhea after watching Jet Li's awesome new movie a few hours ago. It contains every single action movie cliche that you can ever think of. Betrayal, revenge, one man against the world. Bike chase, car chase, rooftop foot chase. Gunfights, sword fights, martial arts fistfights. Hot women, fast cars, suitcases full of cash. Good cops, bad cops, incompetent local cops. Plot twist, double plot twist, cheesy smart-ass dialogue. In short, totally awesome!

My friends had mixed reactions to the movie. Philos seemed to like it, while Guilo was sound asleep by the time the end credits rolled. Like I said, mixed reactions.

He kicks terrorist ass like Jack Bauer, wastes more cars than James Bond, and is every bit as dangerous as Jason Bourne. He's John McClane.

John McClane's sidekick: You just killed a helicopter with a car!
John McClane: I was out of bullets.

Today, I'm officially baptizing the Die Hard legend as John BcClane and adding him to the list of john-kicking bad-ass JBs.

I went to see Die Hard 4.0 yesterday afternoon, and I have to say that it's the most kick-ass film yet this year. It has nice stunts, lots of explosions, and not too many obvious CGI scenes (*cough* Spider-man 3 *cough*). And it's funny too (*cough* Transformers *cough*).

So alright, the story line is totally stupid. But that's OK. Action movies are supposed to have stupid story lines. Action movies are also supposed to have hot babes, and there sure are some hot ones here--Lucy McClane, how did you grow up so fast?

If you need a release this weekend, go watch the film. Just don't drink any iced tea before going in. You wouldn't want to miss anything running back and forth to pee like I did. It's two and a half hours of nonstop fun.

And if what I said isn't enough, take a look at this trailer.

I'm too lazy busy to post a decent blog entry, so, as usual, I'll just steal something from YouTube.

Here's the trailer of the PG version of the blockbuster film 300. Enjoy it with the whole family.

Oh great, now I'm hungry.

P.S. I really am busy, I swear. The chickens are about to move to a new server. Stay tuned for the new-look Chicken Mafia.

I first read about the critically-acclaimed indie film Todo Todo Teros in a newspaper a few weeks ago. According to the article, the film is about an artist who turns into a terrorist after waking up one night.

I thought the film has a great premise. What made it even more interesting is the filmmaker's claim that he made the whole thing on zero budget. And it won the Critics Award at this year's Singapore Film Festival... it must be pretty good, right? So I went and watched it with some friends last Saturday at UP.

How was it? Well, it was... um... educational. I learned three things:

1. Singaporean critics suck.
2. When you make a movie with zero budget, you get your money's worth.
3. Experimental films are obviously films made by people experimenting with psychedelic drugs.

The movie should have been called "Todo Todo Antok." I smiled exactly once during the two long hours, and fell asleep at least five times. Now, when a movie makes you nod off more often than it makes you smile, you can safely say that it sucks. I know, I know, it's an experimental art film with super deep artistic meanings, and I didn't "get" it because I'm an uncultured idiot. Whatever.

Some people enjoy experimental films with no semblance of plot. Good for them. Me, I just like good stories. Like the one about an online gamer who turns into a terrorist after going to the bathroom on an airplane. Which, by the way, is a true story.

See, real life can sometimes be more entertaining than convulted artsy fartsy fiction.

I went to the SM Mall of Asia this afternoon. It is the 3rd largest mall in the world, and I think the first SM located almost in the middle of nowhere. Doesn't stop the people from flocking to it like Muslims to Meccah....

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People who've been to the USA tell me that most malls there are located far away from congested areas to prevent traffic jams. Here in the Philippines, malls are situated in the most congested areas, never mind traffic. This new SM however is set far away from traffic. Sadly, the curse of SM lives on. The place was packed. Vehicles were everywhere--private vehicles, taxis right and left, jeepneys, and even buses! Just getting to the parking lot was a nightmare!

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The mall was just overflowing, so we opted to check out X-Men 3 instead. I had to line up for 15 minutes just to get a ticket, and twice that time to get in. And the film was just an hour and a half long! Talk about last stands.

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I really liked this 3rd installment. The writer was very bold, and the plot was more interesting--relatively simple, yet very involving. As usual Ian McKellen was sterling. They're actually making a movie spin-off, Magneto, next year. There are more Wolverine sequences here too, bravo! A sneak peek at the Wolverine movie perhaps? And I must say, I enjoyed watching Kelsey Grammer play Hank McCoy a.k.a. Beast.

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And watching the trailer of Superman got me excited. I think it's great that Kevin Spacey is playing the part of Lex Luthor. Superman movies always had good actors to play Lex. If only the new Superman would be as good.

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All in all, it was an interesting afternoon, though we couldn't have our dinner there because the restaurants were just overflowing and we didn't have the patience to stand around anymore. But I am kinda pissed right now, because I just found out that there's an extra 30-minute clip at the end of the credits. So if you haven't seen it, remember to wait for it when you do.

That may have been the question a few days ago, but not anymore, since the Manila City Council has decided to ban the showing of the film "Da Vinci Code" in theaters across the city.

I wasn't really planning to watch the film since I didn't enjoy the book all that much, but seeing how his pompousness Lito Atienza, the ever-vocal apologist of Gloria, has managed to have this film banned (of course there might be others in league with him), my resolve not to watch this wavered.

Should I or should I not go and see this film? Do I spite the arrogant, poor-excuse-for-a-researcher, and one-trick-pony-cum-writer Dan Brown? Or the stomach-hurling Lito Atienza? Hmmm... such a difficult decision considering they won't even know I'm spiting either of them.

Browsing through various cinema schedules finally gave me the answer. It seems one particular mall in Manila was actually showing the film in not just one, but three of its cinemas! Robinson's Movieworld Ermita! Bingo! I decided I will support their cause (I later decided that I won't go back and watch any films there again anytime soon, but that's another story). So I did end up watching the film.

I must say the film did what all the articles, books, and documentaries against the book couldn't do. It destroyed whatever sense of credibility it had. The movie was lame, the premise forgettable, and the experience was a waste of two and a half feaking hours on top of my P110. It can literally put you to sleep in under 30 minutes. I don't think Ron Howard should expect an Oscar for his efforts. He'd be happy if he didn't land somewhere in the Bottom 100 films.

Columbia Pictures and the local distributors however must be extremely pleased with themselves. The film has been given tons of free media exposure. The ban did not help at all--people are merely flocking to QC and Makati to catch the film. Sonny Belmonte and Jejomar Binay must be laughing their way to the bank and thanking Lito Atienza's dumb ass right now.

I'm getting to hate these stupid politicians more... they made me watch this stupid film! So much for all that hype. Good thing we'll finally have X-Men 3 next week.

The Manila city council has passed a resolution banning The Da Vinci Code from being shown in the city, and a congressman is now trying to get it banned nationwide (INQ7.net).

Nice job, guys! Let's defend the Christian faith! Amen! Amen! And while we're at it, why don't we also ban the sale of all Dan Brown books? Oops, too late... those bad bad books have been on the bestseller lists for the like last two years or so. But hey, it's still not too late to arrest all those Dan Brown fans and throw them in jail! Yeah!

Jesus Christ, our government is full of morons.

It's fine if the owner of a theater decides not to show a movie for whatever reason--the SM chain of cineplexes has a policy of not showing R-rated films. But for the government to come in and ban theater owners from showing a popcorn movie... what the hell is that? And what's next? Passing a law that bans restaurants from serving meat dishes during Holy Week?

Historically, the Christian Church has dealt with "heresy" by burning the books of heretics, and sometimes, even burning the heretics. Thankfully, the Church has gradually lost much of its political power in the last few centuries. But now, the government is going into the ring as the Church's tag team partner? Great.

To the Manila city council and all the government officials who want to ban The Da Vinci Code: go fuck yourselves. We are free to watch whatever we want. A government that claims to be democratic should have no business telling people what to watch, what to read, and what to think.

For Christ's sake, leave us alone.