As the Year of the Firedog starts today, we would like to do the "in" thing and make astrological forcasts for the year.

The Dog

While this may be the year of the dog, I suspect the dogs might not be the luckiest animals at least in the Philippines. The year of the fire dog will be the bane for the dog community. Fire brings to mind barbecues and grills; and dogs, well, stray dogs... supplies which we have in great numbers here. To avoid a fiery confrontation, go home early, don't stray, and avoid getting drunk as you may just end up as the next pulutan¹. Oh, as added precaution, always try to get your friend the Pig to go out with you.

The Pig

Pigs are said to be the secret friends of Dogs. I suggest you maintain that secret lest you end up in the same predicament as them. You are in enough muck as it is. This year would be good for business... just think along the lines of hotdogs.

The Rat

The Rat is not exactly on top of the foodchain this year. They can however swing it both ways. If they play their cards right, and Gloria retains her seat this year, they might just have tons to rat about. On the other hand, they might just end up being ratted out on. It's a lonely existence for the Rat.

The Ox

The Ox, a close relative of the Tamarraw (FX), might just eek out a small living this year if the oil prices remains stable and Bayani² doesn't wreck half the roads with those pink fences.

The Tiger

One of the luckier signs this year. This is a promising year for the tigers as they can anticipate a prosperous and love-filled year. Smart enough to stay away from the Philippines.

The Rabbit

The fate of the Rabbit remains the essentially the same this year. They don't seem to care about their finances, but their love lives might even become more prolific with the fire dog heating them up. Hump it up energizer bunnies!

The Dragon

This magnificent creature is the enemy of the dog. No need to look at the stars to know who's going to win this battle. The poor bastard won't know what hit him. He's on fire! Hehe. Needless to say, the dragon won't ever be lucky. See, by some stroke of bad luck, they don't exist.

The Snake

What can I say? Snakes have been blamed for a lot of things since time immemorial, and yet they remain. I suspect the dragon is a myth fabricated by these bellycrawlers. It won't be a good year for you, but don't worry--you'll survive.

The Horse

Unless you can revive the Chariots of Fire, the horse is dead. No luck here. Sorry. Not after what you did to Superman. Go graze off a cliff or something. You're not wanted, not even your meat.

The Goat

The goat seems to have reinvented itself last year with the inclusion of goat milk in virtually all of our skin essentials--soap, lotions, footscrubs, etc. It might continue its luck this year if it doesn't end up getting roasted.

The Monkey

Wow! The Monkey have long escaped its fate by Monkeying around. Not this year though. Having discovered that the Monkey's brain is brain food, the Fire Dog will provide variety to this new dish.

The Chicken

: And the chicken will take over the Monkey's monkeying around from monkey central, chickenmafia.com. And no, doggiemafia will just have to watch their ugly rear-end.

Kiong Hee Huat Tsai to everybody! Have a great year ahead with us here at Chicken Mafia!

¹Beerchow. Though banned in the Philippines, roast dog continues to be a delicacy enjoyed with beer.
²Bayani Fernando, Metro Manila Development Authority(MMDA) Chairman--department in-charge of traffic control in Manila.

Once upon a time, there was a prince who, despite his stature and riches, was unhappy. He was unhappy because he neither understood nor felt the true meaning of love. He consulted with the king's court of advisors, but no one could help him. The prince was engulfed with gloom.

An old woman who has been a life-long servant for the imperial court approached the prince. The servant told the prince about a rare flower on a mountain peak at the edge of the kingdom. The dew of the flower is a love potion, and anyone who drinks the dew would know the secrets of true love.

The prince hastily trekked toward the mountain peak. There standing alone in the vast emptiness of the mountain was a single flower with indescribable colors. He carefully transferred the dew to his palm, so as not to break the flower. He was elated now that he had the love potion on the palm of his hand.

He slowly sipped the love potion, and almost spat it out immediately. It was both bitter and putrid. It was like thorns going down his throat. He was half-convinced to spit it out, but he decided to gulp it all down.

The prince didn't feel anything different except for the rumbling in his stomach. He journeyed back to his palace, but still, nothing changed. He was still ignorant about the meaning of true love. The old servant told him that it was a test of the determination and courage of the drinker. She advised the prince to travel to the mountain peak and drink the love potion again, promising that the determination and courage of the prince would be rewarded with what he seeks.

The prince, with mixed enthusiasm and wariness, traveled back to the mountain peak. The flower stood there as beautiful as he left it. He put the dew on his hand and placed it near his mouth. The bitterness of the love potion haunted him, but he was determined to go through with it. He sipped the love potion. It was surprisingly sweet. It tasted like fresh honey that was meant only for the queen bee. He quickly drank the remaining love potion, relishing the heavenly taste.

Right at that moment, he felt a deluge of emotions. Everything seemed more beautiful. He was overjoyed. Tears slowly flowed from his eyes. He knew the meaning of true love. But love wasn't the only thing he learned. He also realized that...

The love potion is sweeter the second time around.

No, it's not Christmas. I'm not talking of the Christ. And this has nothing to do with the one who found the Filipinos worth dying for.¹. We're talking about the chick who lived.²

This is a Chicken Crime Family affair. Back in Sicilia a Godfeather's³ birthday is a huge event, as this one is. This special is written in distinction given to the head of the Chicken Crime Family - here forth referred to as the Chicken Mafia.

JC.

Me and JC go way back - about a decade and a half. I remember the first camp he ever went to. He had this space-age blanket that suspiciously resembles a huge Reynold's Aluminum Foil - supposed to keep the heat in better than most blankets. Aparently, they didn't factor in space's vacuum environment when they started marketing it on earth - it's too damn noisy, and was difficult to fold. He'd keep us all up with the ruckus at night and irked in the morning at the sight of it messing the tent. Those were the fun days... heh.

This chicken has ambition. He was designated spy for an organization called King's Eye, infiltrated Forsythe and caused massive confusion - all these back in grade school. He then went on to head a team of computer junkies with a plan called "Project New York" - though this never quite took off, it was apparent that he is destined for something bigger.

I remember his humble beginnings. A great manipulator, he always thinks on his feet. He was once caught reading a library book in one of our Physics classes - a book promptly confiscated. He was observed to have had a conversation with the alleged professor after the class. He told the teacher that he has every right to confiscate the book as a punishment to him. However, this is a library book and therefore not his property. He then implied that the book should be returned to him so the library can regain its property. It worked.

Today, he whom I refer to irreverently as JC has become the Godfeather of the Chicken Mafia.

Buon Compleanno El Padrino Gallino!⁴
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1 Ninoy Aquino, husband of former president Corazon Aquino was martyred on August 21, 1983, assassinated as he descended the tarmac from exile.

Disclaimer! Romanticized version of facts.
Most names have been altered to protect the privacy of persons/entities involved. Any similarities to actual persons or events might be coincidental or pretty accurate, but you can't prove anything.