I haven't posted a new blog entry in the last 11 days, probably the longest this site has gone without an update in all four years of its existence. I guess I've been extra lazy.

In my desperation to post something/anything, I dug into an old text file that contains various aborted blog ideas and unfinished entries. There, I found this short three-year-old piece that seems to be a blog entry but was never published.

I have been playing NBA Live 06 a lot lately. It's a crappy game and a disgrace to the NBA Live franchise, but I like wasting time.

Broadcasting legend Marv Albert provides the play-by-play commentary that adds a little life to this often lackadaisical game. Sometimes, when a player attempts a shot, Marv would say his name, and when he misses, Marv would shout, "Off!" e.g. "Iverson... off!" or "James... off!"

That's all fine until I played the Portland Trailblazers last night and little-known player Jarrett Jack missed a shot.

Hearing Marv Albert shout "Jack off!" was both frightening and awesome.

I think I shelved that entry at the time because it was too short and possibly not funny enough. Yes, believe it or not, I used to have standards. When chickenmafia.com was new and shiny, I actually put serious effort into crafting blog entries designed to entertain my readers.

Nowadays, I see blogging as an activity not much more important than, well, jacking off, which for some is an apt metaphor for blogging anyway.

I don't know why you people still visit my blog despite the drop in the quality and quantity of entries, but... thank you. Suckers.

Remember the Nintendo Family Computer? It was so much fun, especially when you had to redo a stage thirty times because there's no way to save your game.

One of my favorite Famicom games is Punch-Out!! And since I'm a wannabe casting director, here's my take on what the cast should look like if they ever make a Punch-Out!! movie.

Doc Louis and Little Mac = Stanley from The Office and David Archuleta

You may think that Archuleta is too girly to be believable as a boxing star, but a boxing movie with homesexual undertones could mean critical acclaim.

Glass Joe = Owen Wilson

Same nose.

Von Kaiser = Borat

Same mustache.

Piston Honda = Bolo Yeung

I’m sure you saw this one coming. Guess what? Bolo is 70 years old right now. No kidding.

Don Flamenco = Manu Ginobili

He looks like Adam Sandler too, but getting Manu would be a lot cheaper.

King Hippo = a white gorilla

We've got to have an animal in the cast. Kids like movies with animals.

Great Tiger = Apu and Hobbes

I patted myself on the back with this one.

Soda Popinski = Stone Cold

Although I think Stone Cold usually drinks something stronger than soda pop.

Bald Bull = Charles Barkley

Because they're both bald.

Mr. Sandman = Cedric the Entertainer

I think Cedric pulls off the fighting pose well enough.

Mr. Macho Man = some actor named Sam Elliot

Underneath that grizzled and wrinkled exterior is a grizzled and wrinkled body.

Mike Tyson = 50 Cent

Coincidentally, Mike Tyson's bank account has about 50 cents left in it.

I haven't blogged in the last four days. Or five. What's my excuse? I was busy. Busy playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Busy!

I don't usually like role playing games. When I was in high school, I gave Diablo a try after hearing my friends go on and on about how awesome it is. I quit in 15 minutes and never played again. And don't get me started about MMORPGs like Ragnarok Online. I just don't understand their appeal. At an overnight Christmas party a few years ago, I noticed a friend playing Ragnarok on a PC in the corner.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Killing frogs," he said without looking up.

"Why are you killing frogs?"

"To collect bottles. Frogs drop bottles."

"Why are you collecting bottles?"

"It's a quest. If I get 500 bottles, I'll get a reward."

500 bottles? Are you freaking kidding me? That would take forever! I decided right then and there that watching paint dry is more entertaining than Ragnarok. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if there's actually a "watch paint dry" quest in that game.

The only RPG I've ever played to the finish was Quest For Glory IV: Shadows of Darkness. I gave it a chance because I loved many of the other Sierra games. Within the first few minutes, I was introduced to the five basic elements that make up all things: air, earth, fire, water, and pizza. Pizza? Heh. The old Sierra brand of quirky humor was enough to have me hooked.

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion isn't nearly as funny as Quest For Glory was, but I find it entertaining in a different way. The game is huge. Huge is good. It's also nonlinear. Nonlinear is good too. There are so many fun little side quests to do (no kill-frogs-collect-bottles snoozers) that even someone with as short an attention span as mine wouldn't get bored easily. It's almost like the GTA: San Andreas of RPGs.

I might blog a bit more about my new Oblivion addiction tomorrow. Right now, I need a fix. It's just a little past 3:30 AM, so I think I'll go play for an hour or two. Or three. Yay!

I've seen lots of insane stuff on the Net over the years, and I like to think that nothing can shock or surprise me anymore. Still, from time to time, I see things that make me go "What the fuck?"

That was exactly what I blurted out when I checked CNN.com earlier and came across this story about the Super Columbine Massacre RPG, a free video game based on the Columbine High School shooting, where you get to control the two gun-totting kids.

What the fuck?

I know that people have made horrible video games about all kinds of crap--deer hunting, fitting oddly-shaped bricks together, etc. But one about killing children? Holy cow. That one is definitely in bad taste....

I want a copy!

I haven't played the game yet, but I've seen the screenshots on the game's official site, and....

Wow, such cheerful colors for a massacre game! I just love those old-school 2D graphics. But what I love even more is how the other students are just standing around, seemingly unworried about their two heavily-armed classmates.

Hey kids, I don't know about you, but if I see two people in trenchcoats walking towards me with automatic weapons, I'd run like hell in the opposite direction. Doesn't that make sense? Run, kids, run! Ow, too late. You're all dead.

Still, the game looks like it could be interesting. I think I'll give it a try when I have time.

I haven't played Counter-Strike in years. Back in college, I used to cut a lot of classes to play CS, but I don't see it around much anymore. Kids nowadays seem to prefer DOTA. Crazy kids.

Yesterday, I was checking out some gaming sites when I saw a link for Counter-Strike 2D. Counter-Strike what? I had to rub my eyes. Yes, it's Counter-Strike 2D!

I had some work to do, but who can resist CS? So I downloaded the game (5.6 MB) and gave it a try. It was surprisingly fun. I was impressed by how much CS2D feels like the original CS. It does look quite different. Well, of course it does. It's in freaking 2D! But the old CS gameplay is there. And the sounds... who can forget the sounds? "Go go go!" "Fire in the hole!"

Look! It's my favorite Counter-Strike map, de_dust! Click on the images to see full-sized screenshots.

Despite the presence of some minor bugs and glitches (it's still in beta), CS2D has successfully captured the essence of the original game: simplicity.

CS was a simple game. Terrorists vs. counter-terrorists. Terrorists like to plant bombs. Counter-terrorists like to rescue hostages. Terrorists and counter-terrorists like to kill each other. Sweet and simple. None of that complicated spells and items crap that you find in DOTA.

Most importantly, CS represented a simpler and more innocent world that was destroyed on 9/11. CS2D allows me to revisit that lost world, where phrases like "the bomb has been planted" and "Terrorists win!" make me happy and don't give me the unexplainable urge to invade a random Arab country.

Ah, sweet nostalgia.

Lately, there's a lot of talk about the game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Apparently, the game has hidden sexual content. US Senator Hilary Clinton (yes, Bill's wife), has been spearheading the investigation on the said game. She has asked the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) to investigate Rockstar Games and Take Two for going around the ratings system by hiding the sex scenes through secret codes. She's been backed up by a 355-21 vote in the House of Representatives. Well, apparently the US Senate has nothing better to do these days so they decided to investigate PC games.

How did this start? Were they playing the game and accidentally unlocked the feature? "Yeah, steal cars! I'm winning! Oh... what's this? Why is this 3D woman taking off her clothes... Oooooohhh..." Male Senators would have enjoyed it. But not Hilary. No. She probably caught his husband playing the game. "Bill! What are you playing? Why is your pants down? Is there another intern under your desk?"

Recently, an 85 year old grandmother filed a lawsuit stating that the game manufacturer "engaged in false, misleading and deceptive practices." She bought the game for her 14-year-old grandson. Wait a friggin' minute! Wasn't the game rated "M"? That means it's for "Mature" audience only. Players 17 and older. Now I'm no expert, but isn't her grandson not qualified to play the game? It's her fault! Rockstar Games should file a countersuit! Stupid grandmother buying an M-rated game for a 14-year-old kid. Hey grandma, M doesn't stand for minor, capisce? Well... maybe M stands for Moron. Even if there wasn't any sexual content in the game, would any self-respecting grandparent buy a game named Grand Theft Auto for their grandchildren? Apparently, stealing cars and killing police is perfectly fine. But sex, oh no, it's criminal! Get it away from our kids!