I've been keeping this news clip for about a year now, biding my time until the opportune moment.

Pretty confident huh, Mr. Bayani Fernando? But then Frank happened.

This is a photo taken a few blocks from my home. Permit me to thank the wonderful people from our local water companies for keeping us safe with that line of yellow do-not-cross tape. Now if only you closed that hole up last April when you were done with it.

So now, you're thinking, "A politician promised something he couldn't deliver? Big deal!" Well apparently, he promised the same thing two years ago. I'm not sure what that does to his presidential aspirations. And to think he has started campaigning already. (By the way, why isn't he getting the flak the other senators are getting? At least they don't use public funds to punish us with their faces. Anyone?)

Translation: "The use of the road-rail station is free (no fee)." Okay, why do you feel the need to define the simple word "libre"? Do you think we're all morons? And while you're at it, why don't you define "road-rail station" instead? Thanks.

Anyway, for now, I'll just practice my island-hopping skills in anticipation of the next flood.

In the Islamofascist kingdom of Saudi Arabia, women aren't allowed to drive in cities. Now, one brave Saudi woman is trying to prove that women can drive as well as men by posting a video of herself driving on YouTube, the world's largest video sharing site.

Ahahahaha! Just kidding. Here's the real video, but it's nowhere as entertaining as the one you just saw. It's just a woman driving in a straight line while talking nonstop in Arabic. Boring. Worse, there are no subtitles, so you won't have any idea what she's babbling about.

Snore... um, I meant yay women's rights.

UPDATE: Someone posted this clip of the CNN story on YouTube, most likely without permission. Yay new media.

CNN.com can be really silly sometimes. Just the other day, I saw this headline....

First of all, isn't "six-legged octopus" an oxymoron? You do know what the prefix "octo-" means, right? And why is this under the technology section? Is your six-legged octopus some kind of sinister robot from the future?

The British scientists who discovered the strange creature called it a "hexapus" and named it Henry. "Henry the hexapus"? That sounds so lame. I guess "six-legged octopus" wasn't so bad after all.

Introducing the hexapus: 25% less sushi

The article said that Henry was the first six-legged octopus ever found, but I knew I had seen something like that somewhere before. I just couldn't for the life of me remember where. Then, earlier tonight, as I was digging through old pictures in search for blog ideas, I found it.

You sure this was made in China? I thought the Chinese are good at math.

I saw that "octopus" stuffed toy in a souvenir shop in Subic a few months ago. I took a picture because I couldn't get over how stupid the idea of a six-legged octopus is.

Well, I guess I was wrong. Hail the hexapus!

British singer Amy Winehouse went to rehab the other day. Celebrities check in and out of rehab all the time, but I found this instance somewhat funny because one of her hit songs goes "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no."

So it's "yes, yes, yes" now? Heh.

Well, it's about time. She's quite talented, and it would be a shame to see her career destroyed by drug use. And although celebrity rehab rarely works, I guess it's still enough to move her down to #2 on my celebrity death list. Britney Spears reclaims the top spot. Congratulations! I hope no one pulls another Heath Ledger and screws up my list.

On Christmas Day, a tiger escaped from the San Francisco Zoo and killed a teenager before being shot dead by cops. Now, investigators are saying that the victim might have taunted the tiger by dangling a leg over the moat. If that's true, the kid deserved to die deserves a Darwin Awards nomination. Messing with one of the most powerful beasts in the world probably isn't a smart thing to do.

I saw the story on CNN while channel surfing this morning. True to its love for hysterical sensationalism, CNN alternately flashed the phrases "TIGER ATTACK" and "PREYING ON PEOPLE" on the lower-right corner of the screen. Oh no! Scary! Run for your lives, people! Run!

I didn't have to run for my life during my own close encounter with a tiger a few weeks ago at Zoobic, supposedly the only tiger safari in the Philippines. Before we boarded the jeep that would take us to the tigers, our tour guide kept trying to sell us a chicken. She said that we would get the tigers to jump on the roof of the jeep if we have a yummy dead chicken as bait, and that the whole experience would totally suck without it. At the last second, Philos decided to pay up, and a guy got in the jeep with a dead chicken in a bucket. No, he's not Colonel Sanders... just a nameless chicken guy.

We quickly came across some tigers resting under a tree. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be in the mood for food. How can I describe the demeanor of those lazy jungle cats? Oh, I know. Have you ever ordered too much food when you eat out with your friends? The meal is almost over, and you're all leaning back with your bellies bulging. There's still one last piece of chicken left, so you pass the plate around, but no one wants to touch it.

Our tigers were pretty much like that. They probably already had enough to eat for the day, and when our chicken guy waved a piece of raw meat out the window, they just looked at each other and went, "You want that last piece of chicken?" "Nah, thanks, I'm full." "Come on, take it." "I said I'm full. Why don't you take it?" "No, you take it."

Finally, one tiger came over and gently licked and chewed at the chicken the way a domesticated kitten eats out of your hand. What the hell? I was hoping to see something fierce--the chicken guy getting his hand bitten off would have been awesome. Maybe I should have followed my instincts and punched the tiger's nose to make it angry. Tigers are so boring when they aren't angry.

The chicken guy extended his arm out the window and tossed a piece of leftover chicken upwards. I heard it land smack in the middle of the roof, and I got a bit excited. This is the part where the tiger jumps on the top of the jeep, right? Well, not quite. The big cat took a long look and wisely decided that the tiny chunk of land tuna wasn't worth jumping for. Or maybe it just couldn't find the chicken. Stupid tiger.

Shou had the presence of mind to take a video of the whole thing. And I stole it. Here, take a look.

Here kitty kitty....

Yes, it was all over in a minute... 400 pesos well spent.

A 54-year-old British teacher in Sudan was arrested for blasphemy after her class of 7-year-old brats named a teddy bear "Mohammed." Apparently, naming a cute furry stuffed toy after the Prophet is seriously uncool under Islamic Sharia law, and you can get 40 lashes or 3 months in prison for it. Yikes.

This story is so ridiculous that I think it deserves a proper response... a lolcat response.

Am I in trouble now? LOL.

Ha! I knew this day would come. The rest of the world is finally starting to recognize the truth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the one true god and the creator of the universe. Yay!

Check out the Flying Spaghetti Monster Flash game. OK, so maybe it's not the best game in the world, but tell me, what other religion has a Flash game? The uniqueness of Pastafarianism is clear evidence that it's true!

All other religions are lame because they don't have Flash games. You Christians get boring crucifixes, which, aside from being totally depressing, are possibly made by underpaid Chinese workers in inhumane sweatshops. Yay for slavery in the name of Jesus!

Islam is threatening to overtake Pastafarianism's coolness though. You lucky Muslims out there are about to get "Islamic cars"! The cars will have Allah-mazing features such as a compass that points to Mecca and compartments for the Quran and headscarves. I'm sure that the car will also have enough space for all four of your wives... perhaps right in the warm comfort of the trunk. Maybe the steering wheel will be operated with your penis, ensuring that no woman can ever drive your car. And as a bonus, you might get twice the amount of shrapnel when you blow your car up in a crowded Jewish market. Yay!

Now I'm envious. Oh mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, when will you give me my own deliciously cool pasta car?

Have you heard? Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay! Conservative Christians who were already uncomfortable with Harry Potter's glorification of witchcraft must be foaming at the mouth now. J.K. Rowling is trying to turn our innocent children gay! Harry Potter is the work of the devil! Grrr!

Mainstream Christians, both Catholics and Protestants, consider homosexuality as sinful, which is somewhat funny because they can't stop talking about how much they love this guy named Jesus. I have a couple of stories about Christians and gayness, but before we go on, let's take a break to see how many double entendre Dumbledore jokes we can come up with on short notice....

Did he become a wizard because he wanted to ride on a big broom? Hahaha!

Hey, I bet he likes to play with other people's wands. Hahaha!

So that's why they call him the "head" master. Hahaha!

What? Not funny? Come on! Fine, I'll stop now. Let's continue with the gay Christian stuff....

Some time ago, a Vatican official was suspended by the Church after being caught on hidden camera trying to seduce a young man. Heh. But wait, that's not even the funny part. Here's the funny part: the monsignor insisted that he was only pretending to be gay in order to infiltrate and fight the evil world of gayness.

Ahahahaha! So you're saying that you're like one of those undercover cops who pretend to be drug dealers in order to bust drug rings? Hmm... undercover gay... that's fresh. Don't worry, we believe you. Not.

The gay-hating fundies at the Protestant church that I used to attend like to sing this song sometimes during Sunday worship services:

I will sing
I will worship you
I will bow myself down humbly at your throne
I will give anything
I will give everything to you alone

Yawn. Sounds like your average safe and boring contemporary Christian song, right? But keep listening. The lyrics get real weird real quick....

I long to be the bride that you're returning for
Dressed in garment white and wrinkle free
I have no earthly love that I am holding to
For you're the one who means everything to me

Yikes. I don't want to sound homophobic, but a bunch of grown men singing about longing to be a bride in a wrinkle-free white dress... Jesus, how gay is that?

And yet these people don't think twice about condemning homosexuality. A few months ago, they even had some kind of gay rehab camp for "confused" teenagers. Gee, I wonder how many kids they successfully cured of the dreadful disease of gayitis. I guess we'll never find out. All I know is that if they don't stop singing those ambiguously gay songs, they would need more gay rehab camps soon.

Well, at least they didn't have Dumbledore as the camp's headmaster.

(Chicken News Network) Popular children's toy Mr. Potato Head was arrested by authorities at an Australian port after he was caught smuggling more than 10 ounces of Ecstasy tablets inside his potato head.

When questioned by the police, Mr. Head said, "Man, I feel so happy, man! I love you, man!" and tried to hug the arresting officer. He was immediately Tasered. Witnesses claimed that the whole place smelled like French fries for the rest of the day.

Mr. Potato Head: no longer a good role model for children?

Mr. Potato Head has long been rumored to be a pothead, but he has consistently denied the allegations.

George W. Bush is an idiot. But you know that already, don't you?

This guy is definitely not smarter than a 5th grader. At the APEC summit hosted by Australia a few weeks ago, he referred to APEC as OPEC and Australians as Austrians. Ouch and ouch.

But don't laugh at him. He's an inspiration to childrens everywhere. Think about it. If someone so dumb can become the world's most powerful man, anybody can.