I've been keeping this news clip for about a year now, biding my time until the opportune moment.

Pretty confident huh, Mr. Bayani Fernando? But then Frank happened.

This is a photo taken a few blocks from my home. Permit me to thank the wonderful people from our local water companies for keeping us safe with that line of yellow do-not-cross tape. Now if only you closed that hole up last April when you were done with it.

So now, you're thinking, "A politician promised something he couldn't deliver? Big deal!" Well apparently, he promised the same thing two years ago. I'm not sure what that does to his presidential aspirations. And to think he has started campaigning already. (By the way, why isn't he getting the flak the other senators are getting? At least they don't use public funds to punish us with their faces. Anyone?)

Translation: "The use of the road-rail station is free (no fee)." Okay, why do you feel the need to define the simple word "libre"? Do you think we're all morons? And while you're at it, why don't you define "road-rail station" instead? Thanks.

Anyway, for now, I'll just practice my island-hopping skills in anticipation of the next flood.

Anyone who has watched Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth knows for a fact that global warming is threatening to destroy our planet. But do you know that the Canadian government is secretly trying to ENCOURAGE MORE GLOBAL WARMING?

Canada is a huge country (second largest in the world in terms of land area) with a robust economy and great social programs. It would be an utopia if not for one big problem: it's FREAKING COLD. Most of Canada is covered in deep snow all year round, which explains their national average temperature of -20°C. So it's clear that while global warming would be disastrous for the rest of us, it would actually be ADVANTAGEOUS TO CANADIANS!!!

(Imagine how nice Vancouver would be if it has Florida weather. And there would be no more Florida--it would be underwater thanks to rising sea levels caused by global warming! Al Gore said so.)

Investigations by the Global Climate Research Institute (GCRI) have revealed that the Canadian government is secretly and wastefully burning 22.5 MILLION BARRELS of oil PER DAY (that's more than what China AND India consume in a day) in an attempt to accelerate global warming. And they're succeeding! Latest scientific studies show that, at the rate it's going, most coastal areas will be underwater by the year 2020!

Is there anything we can do to stop the Canadian global warming conspiracy? Of course! Sign the online petition against Canadian global warming at http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/stopcanada and forward this message to all your friends and family members. Doing so will only take a few minutes of your time, but ignoring this can mean a lifetime of underwater suffering for future generations. So let's all spread the word and do our best to save the planet. ACT NOW!!!

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If you're now convinced that big evil Canada must be stopped from destroying our planet, here's what I want you to do: slap yourself in the face, check the date of this post, and slap yourself in the face again. It's April Fools', you fool! And no matter what day it is, you shouldn't believe everything you read on the Internet.

Now here's what I really want you to do: help me spread the hoax. Yay! Fun! Here's how to do it:

1. Download the attached text file.
2. Open it and copy the text to your favorite email program.
3. Put "Fwd: Stop Global Warming!" in the subject line.
4. Send it to your friends, especially the annoying ones who keep forwarding you useless medical tips and urban legends.
5. Laugh like an evil maniac. (Optional)

If some of your recipients express doubt and ask questions, don't lie. Just admit that it's a hoax and send them to this page. There are probably enough people who would forward it without thinking anyway.

So go do it. Go! ACT NOW!!!

P.S. Don't forget to sign the petition. ACT NOW!!!

Quick, identify the man in this picture:

If you said "Ron Paul," you've just earned 50,000 bonus points. Yay! Well, not really yay. The points are pointless. But at least you get bragging rights... not that anyone cares.

So who is Ron Paul? He's a 2008 U.S. presidential candidate who has virtually no chance of winning it all. But his candidacy is interesting for a lot of people because of his message--he's the only libertarian in this year's presidential race. 20,000 bonus points if you know what a libertarian is.

To learn more, you can go look him up on the Web. Or you can wait for my upcoming blog entry about him and libertarianism in general.

For those of you in Metro Manila, there's a third (and much more fun) option. We have a small group of Ron Paul supporters right here in a country where 99.9% of the population have never heard of the guy. We're having an informal meet-up this Thursday, January 10, 2008 6:30 PM at The Promenade, Greenhills Shopping Center. Yeah, that's tomorrow. Should have announced this earlier huh. Sorry, got lazy as usual.

Anyway, if discussing politics over coffee is your idea of fun, come join us. 100,000 bonus points if you're an American citizen or can get one to tag along. Sign up now!

Today, anti-government protesters in Myanmar vandalized shops and took officials hostage. But wait, here's the best part: the violent protesters are Buddhist monks!

Heh. Aren't Buddhists supposed to be all about calm and non-aggression? Apparently, Buddhism's lofty ideal of tranquility is just like Christianity's "love thy enemy" meme--sounds wonderful in theory but rarely works in practice.

You can hardly blame the monks though. Myanmar has been under oppressive military rule for decades, so of course the frustration of their people would boil over from time to time. Even the most peaceful Buddhist monk would fight back if you push him hard enough.

I don't know much about Myanmar. I personally know only six people from that country. I was in the same class as them when I attended a training program in Japan two years ago. They were a very nice and friendly bunch. They laughed at my corny jokes, and I pretended to like soccer. We got along real well.

I can't speak for them, but I had seen some of them looking at websites plastered with pictures of Burmese pro-democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi, so I think I can guess which way they're leanings politically. And I feel bad that they have to live in a place where information is heavily censored and GMail is illegal. GMail is a basic human right, damn it! Myanmar's military junta sucks.

I don't know how this monk riot will turn out. Maybe the monks are getting gunned down as we speak. I sure hope not. Their activities may be somewhat un-Buddha-like, but their cause is a just one. And, despite my personal distaste for religion, I understand that it can be a powerful tool for political change. In the Philippines, the Catholic clergy helped topple the Marcos dictatorship in 1986. Perhaps the Burmese monks would be able do the same for their country.

Yay.

(Chicken News Network) China is looking to expand its booming manufacturing industry beyond toxic pet food, toxic toothpaste, and toxic toys.

In a move that many analysts say will shake up the global afterlife market, the Universe has outsourced reincarnation to China.

In a press conference, an official of the State Administration for Religious Oppression said that the outsourcing contract allows the Chinese government to "strictly stipulate the procedures by which one is to reincarnate." He calls it "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." China will outsource all reincarnation technical support calls to India.

The Dalai Lama, the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader who has been reincarnated 13 times, is criticizing the Universe for the outsourcing deal. As a sign of protest, His Holiness has threatened to never reincarnate himself in China. In response, a spokesperson of the Chinese government said, "Yay!"

(Above) American babies arguing with each other over competing claims of being the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama.
 

In related news, the Chinese government is also negotiating with the Vatican in an attempt to corner the lucrative Christian afterlife market. The exclusive management rights of Heaven are currently being held by Saint Peter.

A while ago, former White House aide Scooter Libby (or, as I call him, Scooby) was sentenced to 30 months in prison for lying to investigators in the probe of the identity leak of hot undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame (hot by real-world standards; Sydney Bristow isn't real).

Oh no! 30 months in prison sounds horrible. What can Scooby do? No worries, dude. President George W. Bush, as the God's divine representative on earth, commuted Scooby's sentence. Now he won't have to spend a single day in jail. Yay!

Understandably, many people are criticizing the president's decision. Too bad Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are on vacation this week. I'm sure they would have lots to say about this. But all the criticism won't do any good. A US president does have the constitutional power to pardon crimes and commute sentences. Best of all, he doesn't need to provide any excuse for doing so, and his decision cannot be challenged by the courts or Congress.

What the hell were the Founding Fathers thinking when they decided to put this ridiculous provision into their Constitution? And they were doing so well too with nice concepts like having three co-equal branches of government, the point of which is precisely to prevent giving too much power to one person.

I'm no expert on US history, but I would imagine that their discussion went like this.

"The president is supposed to be the head of state, just like a king, right?"

"Um, I guess so."

"Then shouldn't he have at least some kingly powers? This Constitution we've drafted makes him a total pussy."

"Hmm. What do you propose then?"

"I know! I know! Let's make the president the commander-in-chief of the armed forces!"

"Yeah, good idea! What else?"

"How about letting the president pick justices for the Supreme Court?"

"Sweet!"

"And we should also give the president the absolute power to instantly pardon criminals without explanation and thus make a mockery out of our justice system!"

"Yay!"

They really shouldn't serve wine at constitutional conventions.

Unfortunately, we Filipinos pretty much copied the US political system, including the presidential pardon crap. Somehow, the long dictatorship of Ferdinand Marcos wasn't enough to knock the concept of limiting executive power into the heads of the drafters of our 1987 Constitution. So as the criminal trial of former president Joseph "Erap" Estrada approaches its end, I'll make this prediction: Erap will be convicted and sentenced to life in prison, but right before his supporters start rioting in the streets, he will be graciously pardoned by Her Majesty Queen Gloria in the name of national unity. Yay!

We'll see in a few weeks if my prediction is right.

Sad news, everyone.

Remember Farfour, the Jihadist version of Mickey Mouse? Well, he's dead. Killed by a filthy Jew, of course.

RIP, Farfour. You were a great martyr for the cause. I'm sure that you'll now get your 72 virgin mice in Paradise. Yay!

The Chinese are notorious for their blatant disregard for intellectual property rights. You all probably know about their pirated DVDs. Heck, you probably own a few of those yourself. But do you know that they've also pirated the whole Disneyland? Yes, kids, they did.

Japanese journalist discovered this state-owned amusement park in Beijing that's an unauthorized clone of the famous Disneyland theme park. All your favorite Disney characters--or at least poor imitations of them--are there. Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy... all of them.

And Disney isn't the only victim of their shameless copyright infringement. Our friend Tiffy will be thrilled to know that there's even a Hello Kitty in the park. Yes, Tiffy, this Hello Kitty has no mouth either. Her whiskers are strangely curly though. Hmm.

Here's a video. See and laugh.

What makes the whole thing even more hilarious is the park management's insistence that their characters are all original. That's not Mickey Mouse, they say. That's actually a cat with very big ears! Heh. Yeah, right.

If you didn't get that, go find a Chinese person to explain it to you--shouldn't be too hard since there are more than a billion of us running around the planet.

Anyway, I was about ready to declare the Chinese as the baddest pirates in the world, until I came across this CNN.com story about how a children's TV show in Palestine stole Mickey, renamed him to Farfour, and had him encouraging kids to martyr themselves in the fight against Jews.

Holy. Cow. So the Chinese are excellent pirates, but these Muslim extremists are something else. And they somehow couldn't see the irony of using a secular symbol of American pop culture to advocate Islamic rule of the world. My head hurts both from laughing and worrying about the future of our world.

Here's some more stuff from the world's cutest terrorist.

Let's laugh at them while we still can. Soon enough, those brainwashed kids will grow up and launch a jihad against us in the name of Allah and His Prophet Mickey. And when that time comes, this won't be a laughing matter anymore.

This is a response to Arbet's challenge.

Recently, I attended the annual general meeting and board election of a non-profit organization. After sitting through some long-winded speeches, I was handed an official ballot.

Wow! I get to vote for 11 officers! I get to help set the future course of the organization! I was overwhelmed by the feeling of immense power and responsibility... until I glanced up at the big board that listed the candidates. It had 11 names on it.

Huh? 11 candidates and 11 spaces on the ballot? This makes no sense! I looked around and saw people filling up their ballots thoughtfully--God knows what they were thinking or what they even had to think about. But I knew right away that my vote wouldn't change the outcome of the election. So I put my pen down and had a cup of coffee instead. It was the rational thing to do.

I won't be voting in the upcoming national election for pretty much the same reason: my vote won't change the outcome. It's true. My one vote has too little power to have any statistical significance. Here's a simple Vote Power Formula:

Power of 1 vote = 1 / Total number of voters

Democracy doesn't scale well. The power of each individual vote goes down as the number of voters go up. In a group of 40 people, every vote counts. In a group of 40,000? Not so much. Well, the Philippines has more than 40 million registered voters. 40 million! I have better odds of winning the lottery than changing the outcome of an election with my one vote.

So I don't vote, and I don't think I have to apologize for it. But some people--I call them vote zealots--foam at the mouth and say that people who don't vote are apathetic and unpatriotic. My response to them? Get off your high horse. Just because you find my reasoning unpleasant doesn't mean that I'm not right. And just because I can do basic math and you can't doesn't make me any less patriotic than you are.

Here are some trite lines that vote zealots like to use.

• "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

  Well, since your vote has so little power, voting is practically not too different from doing nothing. If you think you can stop evil by simply stepping into a voting booth, you're delusional... unless you're Superman, in which case you've probably stepped into the wrong booth.

• "People who don't vote have no right to complain about the government."

  That's stupid. I don't vote, but I do pay taxes to the freaking government, so don't you dare tell me that I have no right to complain.

• "But why just sit there and complain? Get off your ass and vote if you want to make something happen!"

  Make what happen? See the Vote Power Formula. Hey, if voting makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, good for you. Just don't hate me for not feeling the same way. Besides, by not voting, I'm actually giving more power to your one vote. So what the hell are you so upset about?

• "But what if everyone thinks that way?"

  You know what? I would absolutely love it if everyone thinks that way. If every single person in the country decides not to vote, then whomever I vote for automatically wins, right? Yay! Of course, the reality is that people will vote, and the number of people voting will be big enough to make my ballot less useful than a lottery ticket.

It's time to face the ugly truth: your vote doesn't count. Casting a vote is easy, but it doesn't do much. If you really want to make a difference, you'll have to do more than just vote. There's no free lunch.

The key to power in a democracy is not one vote; it's influencing other people to vote with you. Or, in the case of this country, cheating. But that's another topic for another day.

Last month, I bookmarked this CNN.com article about a Mercedes-Benz concept car inspired by tropical boxfish. Well, maybe "inspired" isn't the right word, because that thing is butt ugly.

But the fish car might become appropriate in a few decades when, as the Great Prophet Al Gore predicted, Antarctica melts and we're all underwater. Scary! We've got to stop ManBearPig global warming now!

But wait, what's happening? Many parts of the US are now experiencing record cold weather. What the hell? How can there be record low temperatures all over when the planet is supposed to have a fever?

I tried to Google for an explanation, but most results I get seem to be of the "Haha! Al Gore is a dumbass!" variety, posted by gloating conservatives who don't "believe" in global warming. I'm sure I'll be able to find some politically neutral scientific analysis if I look hard enough, but I'm lazy.

All I know is that if global warming continues, poor countries like the Philippines will be the hardest hit. Rich countries can, I don't know, build dikes or big boats or something. Things would be much worse for people living in mud huts.

So what should we do to avert the impending disaster? In an ideal world, everyone will work together to stop pollution and save the earth. Yay! Unfortunately, in practice, being green requires a different kind of green: money. Lots of money. Rich countries can afford to pay the premium and implement stringent environmental policies, but to impose the same standards on developing countries would likely stunt economic growth. You think the Industrial Revolution would have happened if the Europeans back then were concerned about carbon emission levels?

Besides, being extra nice to Mother Earth would mean nothing if your neighbors don't do the same. Conversely, you can pollute as much as you want as long as your neighbors are willing to clean up your mess. In the end, it's almost like a prisoner's dilemma--no matter what others do, it would be more advantageous to not cooperate with environmentalist efforts.

As politically incorrect as it may sound, the right thing for small poor countries like ours to do is to say "screw the environment" and concentrate our resources on improving the economy. If the big rich countries somehow manage to reverse global warming and save the planet from Al Gore's Waterworld Apocalypse, great. If not, at least we would have enough money to buy us some Mercedes fish cars.