Remember Gaddiel Cortez the stupid spammer? With a little help from cyber-stalking expert Philos, I've managed to find a picture of the guy. Yay?

I must admit that I wasn't sure whether posting his picture here would be the right thing to do. No, I don't care about his privacy or reputation at all. But I do feel a bit bad for those of you who would have the misfortune of seeing his face, because Gaddiel Cortez turned out to be one ugly motherfucker.

"Hi, buy some V1aGrA?"

Sorry about that. Go ahead, wipe up the vomit and wash your eyes with soap. I'll wait.

You're back? Good. Don't look at that picture again.

This is the first and only time I've seen a spammer's face, and I shall now make a statistically invalid interpolation from that. From now on, I'll assume that all spammers look like Gaddiel Cortez. If you're a spammer and you disagree, please send me your picture and full contact info so I can, um, apologize to you. Thanks.

So what have we learned from all of this? I think the most important lesson here is that spamming makes you ugly. So kids, don't spam. No one will love you if you're ugly.

Now that I've wasted two blog entries exposing this one random spammer to the world (and by "the world" I meant "the four suckers who still follow my blog"), I feel ready to go back to what the Chicken Mafia is really about: pointless juvenile nonsense. So my next blog entry will be about poop. Yay! Stay tuned.

Before today, I hadn't blogged here in months. In the mean time, chickenmafia.com was pretty much dead. The only thing that got posted, aside from the occasional visitor comment on old entries, was spam--lots of it.

Even though I wasn't doing anything with the site anymore, I felt compelled to log in every few days and delete the dozens of spam comments that inevitably appear. Why did even I bother to do that? I'm not sure. Maybe I just hate spam that much. So I guess it's funny how a spammer would be the one to make me start blogging again.

Spammers are annoying. Most spammers are also slippery. They post anonymously, use fake email addresses, and mask their IP addresses with proxies (or, better yet, botnets), making them practically impossible to trace or even just ban.

Then there's Gaddiel Cortez. He's special. Here is his story.

A couple of weeks ago, a spammer who calls himself Mcdaddy posted some spam comments about an online pharmacy. But there was something unusual about this one: he went through the trouble of creating a chickenmafia.com user account, which requires a valid email address.

Now, why would a spammer do that? Who knows. Maybe he was too dumb to realize that this site allows anonymous comments. Or maybe he just wanted to earn eggs. In any case, that was a mistake, and I decided to see what I can find out about our spamming friend.

A Google search of the email address he used, ronquillocortez@gmail.com, brought me to this page. It's just a random website that Mcdaddy posted spam on a few weeks ago, but in this instance, he was stupid enough to make an even worse mistake: he left his real name for all the world to see.

So who is Gaddiel Cortez, and why does he have such a stupid name? Another quick search led me to his profile on an SEO site:

Gaddiel Cortez

B-20 Badjao Rd. Villa Gloria Subd., Angeles City, Pampanga, Philippines
2009

+639212746022

mastergidz@gmail.com

What a fucking amateur. So now, I have his home address, phone number, and possibly real email address? Ha!

Unfortunately, his cell phone seems to be off whenever I try to call him up. That's too bad--I'd love to have a little chat with him. Oh well, maybe some other website owner he pissed off got to him first, and he's now lying dead in a ditch somewhere along Badjao Road... I can only hope.

The rest of his profile is full of funnies, so go check it out. My favorite bit is the section marked "Gaddiel Cortez's Resume":

I have a hight knowledge and good methods in surfing and browsing.

Wow! That's some serious credentials right there. Hight knowledge and good methods in surfing and browsing? This guy is a modern-day Leonardo da Vinci! *sarcastic clap*

So, to summarize, Gaddiel Cortez is a stupid spammer. And I guess chickenmafia.com is back thanks to him. Yay.

See you kids at iBlog6 later.

Chinesemafia sent me this picture from Singapore.

It's the keypad for an electronic door lock.

I wonder why the "this is not a phone" sign is even necessary. Do people routinely attempt to make phone calls using that lock keypad?

Singaporeans are strange. They seem to enjoy stating the obvious. A friend once told me about seeing a "no urinating in the lift" sign in an elevator over there.

I think they should have added "and no shitting too" to be safe.

I walked up to an ATM and saw this.

I haven't posted a new blog entry in the last 11 days, probably the longest this site has gone without an update in all four years of its existence. I guess I've been extra lazy.

In my desperation to post something/anything, I dug into an old text file that contains various aborted blog ideas and unfinished entries. There, I found this short three-year-old piece that seems to be a blog entry but was never published.

I have been playing NBA Live 06 a lot lately. It's a crappy game and a disgrace to the NBA Live franchise, but I like wasting time.

Broadcasting legend Marv Albert provides the play-by-play commentary that adds a little life to this often lackadaisical game. Sometimes, when a player attempts a shot, Marv would say his name, and when he misses, Marv would shout, "Off!" e.g. "Iverson... off!" or "James... off!"

That's all fine until I played the Portland Trailblazers last night and little-known player Jarrett Jack missed a shot.

Hearing Marv Albert shout "Jack off!" was both frightening and awesome.

I think I shelved that entry at the time because it was too short and possibly not funny enough. Yes, believe it or not, I used to have standards. When chickenmafia.com was new and shiny, I actually put serious effort into crafting blog entries designed to entertain my readers.

Nowadays, I see blogging as an activity not much more important than, well, jacking off, which for some is an apt metaphor for blogging anyway.

I don't know why you people still visit my blog despite the drop in the quality and quantity of entries, but... thank you. Suckers.

I ordered a chirashi don at Teriyaki Boy the other night. It's rice topped with various types of sashimi--basically mixed sushi in a bowl. Yummy.

The waitress didn't seem to approve of my choice though. She said, "Puro hilaw po yun. Okey lang?" ("It's all raw. Is that okay?")

I'm not sure why, but every time I see the Teriyaki Boy mascot, I imagine him cussing and yelling at me.

I was confused. Why wouldn't I be okay with sashimi being raw? Wouldn't that be like complaining about soup being wet? Wouldn't customers be more likely to throw a fit if their sashimi came cooked to a crisp? Oh wait, maybe by all raw she meant that the rice would be raw too. Now that wouldn't be okay at all. Hmm. Help?

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded.

As she sauntered away, I turned to Lizz and muttered, "That was the dumbest question I've ever heard in a Japanese restaurant," possibly before she was out of earshot.

I hope she didn't spit in my food.

The sign said "DANGER WEAK BRIDGE"--not a particularly reassuring line to someone about to drive across the said bridge.

As I slowed down to take the picture, a mid-sized truck went past me and right over the bridge, completely disregarding the "TRUCKS/BUSES NO ENTRY" sign.

I took a deep breath and stepped on the gas.

Okay, I'm being overly dramatic here, but I do feel bad for the poor bastard who will get the biggest (and last) surprise of his life when the weak bridge finally gives way. I just hope that it won't be me.

Yoghurt Treatment Shampoo and Beer Treatment Shampoo? Yay, tasty treats!

Seriously? Yogurt? Beer? Why would you possibly want your hair to smell like beer or spoiled milk after washing?

Saw this in ShopWise a few months ago:

Captain Obvious says, "Our ice cream is cold!"

Is there such a thing as non-frozen ice cream? Is melted ice cream still ice cream? Wouldn't that just be plain milkshake?

Stupid Frenchies.

Most of us have, at one time or another, had the evil desire to take over the world. But the hard question is, how?

A recent trip to the Philippine Science Centrum showed me how science and technology can be the answer. Unfortunately, I forgot to take down notes, so I have to rely on my fuzzy memory as I show you some cool science stuff from the PSC that should be in the toolkit of every evil mad scientist with plans of world domination. Pay attention.

1. The Kamehameha

Thanks to super science, you don't have to be a Super Saiyan to knock out your enemies with this powerful attack.

2. The Jack Bauer Interrogation Device

As seen on the hit show 24, this device is very easy to use. Just attach the two cables to your victim's nipples, turn on the power, and shout, "Who are you working for?"

3. The Electrocution Chamber

Turn your nemesis to crispy bits of bacon with 10,000,000 trillion godzillon volts of electricity! Fun!

4. The Make-Children-Sad Contraption

With the help of this contraption, you can take innocent children on an emotional roller coaster by first promising big colorful bubbles then failing to deliver. If used correctly, the joy on the children's faces would quickly be replaced by tears and droplets of possibly toxic soap water.

5. The Instant Penis Enlargement Tool

Aside from boosting your already over-sized ego, a large penis will help you become the biggest dick that you can be--and that's what being a villain is all about.

Are you excited yet? If you want to learn more, head down to the Philippine Science Centrum at the Riverbanks Center in Marikina anytime between 8 AM and 5 PM from Monday to Saturday. The place has over a hundred interactive science exhibits that you can play (and possibly injure yourself) with, and tickets cost only 100 pesos each. It's fun for the whole family.

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I stole the pictures in this post from Lizz and Philos, because stealing, like science, is fun.