Chinesemafia sent me this picture from Singapore.

It's the keypad for an electronic door lock.

I wonder why the "this is not a phone" sign is even necessary. Do people routinely attempt to make phone calls using that lock keypad?

Singaporeans are strange. They seem to enjoy stating the obvious. A friend once told me about seeing a "no urinating in the lift" sign in an elevator over there.

I think they should have added "and no shitting too" to be safe.

I walked up to an ATM and saw this.

I haven't posted a new blog entry in the last 11 days, probably the longest this site has gone without an update in all four years of its existence. I guess I've been extra lazy.

In my desperation to post something/anything, I dug into an old text file that contains various aborted blog ideas and unfinished entries. There, I found this short three-year-old piece that seems to be a blog entry but was never published.

I have been playing NBA Live 06 a lot lately. It's a crappy game and a disgrace to the NBA Live franchise, but I like wasting time.

Broadcasting legend Marv Albert provides the play-by-play commentary that adds a little life to this often lackadaisical game. Sometimes, when a player attempts a shot, Marv would say his name, and when he misses, Marv would shout, "Off!" e.g. "Iverson... off!" or "James... off!"

That's all fine until I played the Portland Trailblazers last night and little-known player Jarrett Jack missed a shot.

Hearing Marv Albert shout "Jack off!" was both frightening and awesome.

I think I shelved that entry at the time because it was too short and possibly not funny enough. Yes, believe it or not, I used to have standards. When chickenmafia.com was new and shiny, I actually put serious effort into crafting blog entries designed to entertain my readers.

Nowadays, I see blogging as an activity not much more important than, well, jacking off, which for some is an apt metaphor for blogging anyway.

I don't know why you people still visit my blog despite the drop in the quality and quantity of entries, but... thank you. Suckers.

I ordered a chirashi don at Teriyaki Boy the other night. It's rice topped with various types of sashimi--basically mixed sushi in a bowl. Yummy.

The waitress didn't seem to approve of my choice though. She said, "Puro hilaw po yun. Okey lang?" ("It's all raw. Is that okay?")

I'm not sure why, but every time I see the Teriyaki Boy mascot, I imagine him cussing and yelling at me.

I was confused. Why wouldn't I be okay with sashimi being raw? Wouldn't that be like complaining about soup being wet? Wouldn't customers be more likely to throw a fit if their sashimi came cooked to a crisp? Oh wait, maybe by all raw she meant that the rice would be raw too. Now that wouldn't be okay at all. Hmm. Help?

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded.

As she sauntered away, I turned to Lizz and muttered, "That was the dumbest question I've ever heard in a Japanese restaurant," possibly before she was out of earshot.

I hope she didn't spit in my food.

The sign said "DANGER WEAK BRIDGE"--not a particularly reassuring line to someone about to drive across the said bridge.

As I slowed down to take the picture, a mid-sized truck went past me and right over the bridge, completely disregarding the "TRUCKS/BUSES NO ENTRY" sign.

I took a deep breath and stepped on the gas.

Okay, I'm being overly dramatic here, but I do feel bad for the poor bastard who will get the biggest (and last) surprise of his life when the weak bridge finally gives way. I just hope that it won't be me.

Yoghurt Treatment Shampoo and Beer Treatment Shampoo? Yay, tasty treats!

Seriously? Yogurt? Beer? Why would you possibly want your hair to smell like beer or spoiled milk after washing?

Saw this in ShopWise a few months ago:

Captain Obvious says, "Our ice cream is cold!"

Is there such a thing as non-frozen ice cream? Is melted ice cream still ice cream? Wouldn't that just be plain milkshake?

Stupid Frenchies.

Most of us have, at one time or another, had the evil desire to take over the world. But the hard question is, how?

A recent trip to the Philippine Science Centrum showed me how science and technology can be the answer. Unfortunately, I forgot to take down notes, so I have to rely on my fuzzy memory as I show you some cool science stuff from the PSC that should be in the toolkit of every evil mad scientist with plans of world domination. Pay attention.

1. The Kamehameha

Thanks to super science, you don't have to be a Super Saiyan to knock out your enemies with this powerful attack.

2. The Jack Bauer Interrogation Device

As seen on the hit show 24, this device is very easy to use. Just attach the two cables to your victim's nipples, turn on the power, and shout, "Who are you working for?"

3. The Electrocution Chamber

Turn your nemesis to crispy bits of bacon with 10,000,000 trillion godzillon volts of electricity! Fun!

4. The Make-Children-Sad Contraption

With the help of this contraption, you can take innocent children on an emotional roller coaster by first promising big colorful bubbles then failing to deliver. If used correctly, the joy on the children's faces would quickly be replaced by tears and droplets of possibly toxic soap water.

5. The Instant Penis Enlargement Tool

Aside from boosting your already over-sized ego, a large penis will help you become the biggest dick that you can be--and that's what being a villain is all about.

Are you excited yet? If you want to learn more, head down to the Philippine Science Centrum at the Riverbanks Center in Marikina anytime between 8 AM and 5 PM from Monday to Saturday. The place has over a hundred interactive science exhibits that you can play (and possibly injure yourself) with, and tickets cost only 100 pesos each. It's fun for the whole family.

---
I stole the pictures in this post from Lizz and Philos, because stealing, like science, is fun.

I'm not usually interested in bags, but this one caught my eye.

For when you want your fashion statement to be a fascist statement....

Yes, yes, I know that the much maligned swastika is a religious symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism, but come on, if you see someone walking down the street carrying that bag, your first thought wouldn't be, "Oh look, a Buddhist." It would be more like, "Heil Hitler!"

Then again, there aren't that many Jews in this part of the world, so I guess having a Nazi backpack is more or less socially acceptable. Carry on.

I got a strange piece of email with the subject line "wrong previous message" two weeks ago:

Dear brothers and sister:

I apoligize for sending a message earlier. It was meant for the Mission Committee. The previous message contains some sensitive information in the attachment. If you have not read it, please ignore and delete it and DO NOT OPEN the attachments. If you have read the message already, please do not share the information for God's name. I apologize again for causing the confusion.

Thank you for cooperating and for your understanding.

Anchi

Oh wow, this is confusing. I have no idea who Anchi is, and I never received the "wrong previous message" that he or she was "apoligizing" for. The weirdest thing though is how Anchi addressed the group of over two dozen recipients (no, I don't know any of them) as "brothers and sister." Just one sister? But there were plenty of female-sounding names like Emily, Amanda, Jenny, Sarah and Aileen on the list. They can't all be "brothers," right? Unless... unless... oh my god, they're trannies!

The "Mission Committee" mentioned sounds like something you'd find in an evangelical Christian church. But, the last time I checked, evangelicals aren't usually fond of trannies, at least not publicly. Very strange indeed!

Of course, I was never an intended recipient of that message. My real name is short and not really unique, so I sometimes get misdirected email meant for any of the perhaps thousands of Chinese Christians who share my name. It sucks. Mom, why couldn't you have named me after a more obscure Bible character like, say, Nebuchadnezzar?

But I digress.

Something about the stray message made me intensely curious. What's in the attachment of the message intended for the church mission committee, and how can it possibly be sensitive or embarrassing enough to warrant an all-caps "DO NOT OPEN" plus a panicky "do not share the information for God's name"?

As far as I know, people don't send nasty stuff like world domination plans or pictures of their penises to church mission committees. Well, on second thought, evangelism can be a kind of world domination plan, and it's plausible that some members of a church that accepts trannies would appreciate penis pictures. But my point is, generally speaking, you'd expect church mission committee emails to be along the lines of "What should we wear to the anti-gay-marriage rally this Sunday?" or "How many missionaries are we sending to godless communist China this year?"--nothing offensive to people of the same faith. So why the hush-hush secrecy?

The only way to find out would be to take a look at the email attachment that I supposedly received but didn't. So I sent this response to Anchi last night:

Hi Anchi,

I didn't receive the message you mentioned. Please send it again. I promise to delete it without opening the attachment ;-)

Two hours later, I got a reply:

DOn't worry. It was a message that was not meant to be sent to our small group but for our church mission committee anyway.

Thanks for responding.
Anchi

So Anchi isn't smart enough to figure out that I'm not who he or she thinks I am but is just smart enough to not fall for my admittedly lame trick? Well, that's disappointing. My new friend Anchi is no fun.

I'm not sure what I should do next. Should I keep impersonating my namesake? Should I come clean and ask for forgiveness from the Church of Trannies? Or should I just stop being an ass and leave Anchi alone?

Leave Anchi alone!!!

Post a comment if you have any suggestions.