I got a strange piece of email with the subject line "wrong previous message" two weeks ago:

Dear brothers and sister:

I apoligize for sending a message earlier. It was meant for the Mission Committee. The previous message contains some sensitive information in the attachment. If you have not read it, please ignore and delete it and DO NOT OPEN the attachments. If you have read the message already, please do not share the information for God's name. I apologize again for causing the confusion.

Thank you for cooperating and for your understanding.

Anchi

Oh wow, this is confusing. I have no idea who Anchi is, and I never received the "wrong previous message" that he or she was "apoligizing" for. The weirdest thing though is how Anchi addressed the group of over two dozen recipients (no, I don't know any of them) as "brothers and sister." Just one sister? But there were plenty of female-sounding names like Emily, Amanda, Jenny, Sarah and Aileen on the list. They can't all be "brothers," right? Unless... unless... oh my god, they're trannies!

The "Mission Committee" mentioned sounds like something you'd find in an evangelical Christian church. But, the last time I checked, evangelicals aren't usually fond of trannies, at least not publicly. Very strange indeed!

Of course, I was never an intended recipient of that message. My real name is short and not really unique, so I sometimes get misdirected email meant for any of the perhaps thousands of Chinese Christians who share my name. It sucks. Mom, why couldn't you have named me after a more obscure Bible character like, say, Nebuchadnezzar?

But I digress.

Something about the stray message made me intensely curious. What's in the attachment of the message intended for the church mission committee, and how can it possibly be sensitive or embarrassing enough to warrant an all-caps "DO NOT OPEN" plus a panicky "do not share the information for God's name"?

As far as I know, people don't send nasty stuff like world domination plans or pictures of their penises to church mission committees. Well, on second thought, evangelism can be a kind of world domination plan, and it's plausible that some members of a church that accepts trannies would appreciate penis pictures. But my point is, generally speaking, you'd expect church mission committee emails to be along the lines of "What should we wear to the anti-gay-marriage rally this Sunday?" or "How many missionaries are we sending to godless communist China this year?"--nothing offensive to people of the same faith. So why the hush-hush secrecy?

The only way to find out would be to take a look at the email attachment that I supposedly received but didn't. So I sent this response to Anchi last night:

Hi Anchi,

I didn't receive the message you mentioned. Please send it again. I promise to delete it without opening the attachment ;-)

Two hours later, I got a reply:

DOn't worry. It was a message that was not meant to be sent to our small group but for our church mission committee anyway.

Thanks for responding.
Anchi

So Anchi isn't smart enough to figure out that I'm not who he or she thinks I am but is just smart enough to not fall for my admittedly lame trick? Well, that's disappointing. My new friend Anchi is no fun.

I'm not sure what I should do next. Should I keep impersonating my namesake? Should I come clean and ask for forgiveness from the Church of Trannies? Or should I just stop being an ass and leave Anchi alone?

Leave Anchi alone!!!

Post a comment if you have any suggestions.

Some of my fundie Christian friends seem to consider it their evangelical duty to forward Bible verses and godly inspirational quotes to my mobile phone from time to time. The text messages are a bit annoying, but I don't really mind--they're mostly bland and harmless, and I've learned to mentally tune them out.

The one I got this morning is a lot more interesting though. Here it is in unedited form:

D ff. Is d recordings of hw Jesus 12 apostles suffered n died 4d glorious call of d kingdom of God
Matthew-stab2death
Andrew-torn2death by being tied to 2 horses
Thomas-torn2death by being tied to 5 horses
Peter-crcified upside down
Philip-crucifixion
Matthias-beheaded
Bartholomew-skinned 2death
Simon-crucifixion
James son of Zebedee-beheaded
James son of Alphaeus-sawed 2death
Judas son of james-shot by arrows
John-exiled to Patmos
All for da Lord

All for da Lord! Amen!

Heh. Worst inspirational message ever, right?

Let me get this straight.... If I follow the Lord, I will likely die a horrible death? Oh joy! Where do I sign up?

Greetings to all our Roman Catholic readers. We take a break from our blog hiatus (yes, a break from a break) to bring you this public service announcement:

Tomorrow is the first Friday of Lent, and you know that means.

That sign was in a restaurant. I don't understand why a restaurant would ask its customers to abstain from half of the items on its menu, but hey, I'm sure that makes God happy. Isn't that the most important thing?

And that ends our public service announcement. Now I'll go back to being the asshole that I normally am.

Oh hey, my Catholics friends, want to hear about what I'm going to eat tomorrow? No? I'll tell you anyway.

For breakfast, I'll have bacon and eggs. That's right, crispy and yummy bacon made from pigs that Jehovah considers unclean. You can't have any.

For lunch, I'll have a nice burger. Maybe with double patties. You can't have any.

For dinner, I'll have a big fat juicy steak, medium rare. And for dessert, I think I'll have another steak.

Okay, so steak for dessert may not be the best idea. But I can if I want to. You can't because you'd make your god angry. Sorry.

Well, be thankful that at least you're not Hindu. No burgers and steaks ever? Now that's really sad.

You'll only understand those signs if you're somewhat familiar with the doctrines and practices of various Christian denominations. And even if you can understand them, they're probably not funny at all.

But instead of complaining about how unfunny I am, why not try to do better? Head over to the Church Sign Generator, make some signs, and post them here.

If you watch Philippine TV, you must have seen the new Coke ad that features a pretty angel. Those of us who don't can always turn to YouTube.

(Click here if you're interested in behind-the-scene stuff.)

It's definitely one of the best and most visually stunning Philippine TV ads that I've ever seen. But I hate it. Well, I loved it until last week. That was when NBA.com showed the freaking ad before every video clip. Have you ever played your favorite song for 30 times straight and ended up hating it so much that you want to stab the next person you see? Yeah....

I now loathe the ad with every fiber of my being, and I never want to see it again... ever. I didn't even check if I embedded the right YouTube video up there. It can be the wrong video for I all know. Maybe it's Japanese octopus porn. Japanese vomit porn. Or Japanese poop porn. I don't give a shit. You can't make me click the play button. You can't!

Unlike me, my buddy Philos hated the ad from the very start. Why? Because it offends his delicate religious sensitivities. In fact, he's boycotting all Coca-Cola products. (Oh no! How will the company survive?)

Now all you Philos fans know why he wasn't at the Coke Zero event two weeks ago.

So what part of the ad did he find offensive? Here's his explanation:

The presumption that an ethereal being will choose mortality for such a base reason is an affront to my ecclesiastical sensibilities. Even more so the presumption that a demon can forgo damnation by choosing Coke. An exceedingly, I hope you'll agree with me, preposterous claim.

Do you understand now? I still don't. Sure, I got his point, but his point seems... pointless. I think he has had too much Jesus juice. And I suspect that most Christians, even the conservative ones, wouldn't mind the Coke angel/demon ad that much. Am I wrong?

If you're a Christian, I really want to hear your take on this. Let's have a discussion/debate/flamewar... put the fun back into fundamentalism!

Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.

So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.

Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.

Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.

Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.

But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.

But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?

You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.

Religious nutjobs seem to come crawling out of the woodwork every Holy Week. In this country, some devotees like to nail themselves to crosses or whip themselves on the back until they bleed. The head of the Department of Health even had to issue a warning about how using dirty whips can lead to tetanus. Well, duh.

Of course, we don't have a monopoly on this retarded brand of Christianity. A few weeks ago in India, rumors spread that an image of the Virgin Mary was miraculously appearing on the sun--yes, that big bright shiny thing in the sky. So some smart people gathered around and started gazing at the sun to get a glimpse of the miracle, and... over 50 of them lost their sight. That sure gives a fresh new meaning to the term "blind faith" huh.

Not to be outdone by his mother, Jesus also appears to his faithful followers from time to time, often in the most unexpected places.

Happy Holy Week :-P

In the Islamofascist kingdom of Saudi Arabia, women aren't allowed to drive in cities. Now, one brave Saudi woman is trying to prove that women can drive as well as men by posting a video of herself driving on YouTube, the world's largest video sharing site.

Ahahahaha! Just kidding. Here's the real video, but it's nowhere as entertaining as the one you just saw. It's just a woman driving in a straight line while talking nonstop in Arabic. Boring. Worse, there are no subtitles, so you won't have any idea what she's babbling about.

Snore... um, I meant yay women's rights.

UPDATE: Someone posted this clip of the CNN story on YouTube, most likely without permission. Yay new media.