Valentine's Day is a week away (unless you're not reading this on Feb. 7). Don't have a date yet? Don't worry. You'll never have to be lonely if you have your pillow around.

WARNING: DO NOT WATCH.

(The video that you shouldn't watch is here. It disappeared from YouTube for some reason. Stupid YouTube.)

Sunflower seeds? WTF.

I'll post a real blog entry soon, like maybe next month. In the meantime, Lizz has an art exhibit coming up. Everyone go check it out.

Israel's invasion of Gaza in recent weeks has sparked outrage all over the world. This guy attending a pro-Palestinian rally in New York might have gone a little over the top with the outrage though.

Wow, really? Death to all juice? Harsh. But can we at least spare fruit-flavored soda? Please?

Now, some of you probably think that this guy is way out of line. Calling for genocide against a whole class of beverage? That's horrible! He's like the Hitler of fruits!

But if you look very closely at the sign and squint, you'd see the word "Zionist" in parentheses scribbled lightly above "juice." See? He's not such a bad guy after all. He only wants to kill Zionist juice. Everyone knows that Zionist juice is the bad kind of juice, and murdering Zionist juice is perfectly okay.

If you're a regular Twitter user, you've probably seen the Fail Whale more times than you can count. It appears every time Twitter's servers get overloaded and go down, which is quite often.

Twitter went down again the other day--no surprise there. But, instead of the Fail Whale, I got this.

What the hell? Is that a worm? Where did the Fail Whale go? Boo.

Hey Twitter, changing your fail mascot doesn't do anything to help your reputation. You still suck.

(Follow me on Twitter! Why? Um... uh... because I might decide to twit regularly again someday? Yeah, that's plausible.)

It's the opposite of hot.

WARNING: NSFA (not safe for anyone)

I'll post a real blog entry later in the week, I swear. In the meantime, go join our two contests down there. Tell your friends too. Go go go!

Saw this on Real Time With Bill Maher last week.

I don't know what to say about it, so let's have a caption contest. Yay! Post your captions below.

You'll only understand those signs if you're somewhat familiar with the doctrines and practices of various Christian denominations. And even if you can understand them, they're probably not funny at all.

But instead of complaining about how unfunny I am, why not try to do better? Head over to the Church Sign Generator, make some signs, and post them here.

I came across this a few minutes ago and found it very amusing (I'm easily amused).

Want more? Here's another one.

I'll post a decent blog entry within the week, I promise.

Did you guys see the 2008 Miss Universe pageant? No? Me neither. But here's a highlight for you: Miss USA Crystle Stewart rocking the evening gown competition.

Hahaha!

If you get the feeling that you have seen this before, it could be because you actually have... sort of. At last year's pageant, Miss USA 2007 Rachel Smith also slipped and fell during the same segment. Deja vu!

Anyway, here's to hoping that Miss USA 2009 makes it a hat trick.

Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.

So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.

Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.

Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.

Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.

But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.

But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?

You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.