I hate waiting for elevators.

Back when I still had a real job, random elevator delays used to make me late for work at least twice a week (I oversleep on the other three days, so no excuse there). I also dreaded the daily 12 o'clock jam, where every freaking person in the 30-storey building decides to go down for lunch at the exact same time. I hated it so much that I convinced some officemates to break for lunch 10 minutes early, which of course didn't earn me any brownie points with my bosses.

Even virtual elevators are no fun to wait for. Remember the classic Elevator Action game on the old Nintendo? I thought that the game looked fun. But I gave up on it after playing for just 30 minutes or so, because I always get killed while waiting for those damned slow elevators. No fun!

So when I saw a paternoster on Rocketboom, I couldn't help but think that it's the most awesome invention ever.

Good Catholics will of course recognize "Pater Noster" as Latin for "Our Father", which is quite an appropriate name for the cyclic elevator because you'll probably want to mutter a quick prayer before stepping into it. That thing just doesn't look very safe.

Then again, who gives a crap about safety? The paternoster is fun, and everyone knows that fun is all that matters. I think I should start praying for one of those cool deathtraps. Our Father, who art in heaven, yadda yadda yadda, please give me a paternoster for Christmas! Yay! Amen.

This video clip is awesome.

Nice, huh? Want to know the story behind the video? No, I'm not going to tell you. But you can always ask Snopes.

As you've probably figured out by now, I was too lazy to post a real blog entry, so I decided to steal a video clip instead. Just be thankful that I chose not to show you the disgusting video of Oprah and Dr. Phil making out. Trust me, you don't want to see that one.

When something is utterly boring, we say that it's as interesting as watching grass grow. But is watching grass grow really boring? If so, why is there a website that lets you do just that? The guy has a webcam pointed at his lawn, allowing the whole world to watch his grass grow. And it's just normal grass, not the kind that gets you high.

Quite a fascinating idea for a website, eh?

Unfortunately, watching grass grow is as boring as it sounds. At least that's what I think after watching it for 3 1/2 hours. I didn't even get to see any noticeable grass growth! This sucks. What a total waste of time.

But if you have nothing better to do, go take a look. Who knows, you might find it interesting, which would mean that you're a very boring person and no one wants to be your friend.

I saw this strange tag on one of my new shirts.

We shrink your shirts for you so you won't have to.

A pre-shrunk shirt? Hmm. It's a concept so brilliant that it almost sounds retarded. We'll see if it works.

I'm not a fan of "street magic". I think David Blaine is a pompous jackass. Criss Angel is not much better, but I must admit that this illusion of his is quite entertaining.

Everyone (and by that I meant everyone on broadband), go watch it now! I'll wait here.

Hmm, what should I do to pass the time while waiting for them to come back? Aha! I think I'll practice this cool coin trick I read about in that "Magic for Retarded Dummies" book. Fun!

Step 2: pretend to swallow the coin.... Look, audience! I'm swallowing the coin! Ah... yummy... yummy... oops... *gulp* *gag* *choke* damn it! Pretend, joyfulchicken, pretend! Oh well, I guess I'll be shitting metal tomorrow. Crap.

Oh, hi, you're back. Did you enjoy the trick? No, not my coin-swallowing trick--that one still needs a bit of work (and maybe some laxatives too). Of course I'm talking about the Criss Angel pulling-a-woman-apart one. Not bad, huh?

Top that, David Blaine.

While reading about Game Theory earlier this evening, I came across this evil little Flash game called Pearls Before Swine.

The game seemed simple enough. There are multiple rows of pearls laid out on a table before you (the swine, heh)... something like this:

oooooo
oooo
oooooooooo

You and the computer alternately take one or more pearls from a row. The one who is forced to take the last pearl is the loser.

Piece of cake, right? That's what I thought 2 hours ago.

Level 1, which has two rows of pearls, was easy. But when a new row was added in level 2, I started losing game after game. At first, I tried to analyze the patterns and think through it rationally. But after 1 whole hour of constant losing, all strategy went out the window, and I found myself clicking randomly. After another 20 minutes or so, I somehow got lucky and beat level 2, but I wasn't any closer to figuring out the solution.

Level 3 added a lot more pearls, and I again lost every time. I couldn't believe it. I can do this! I'm smart! I can beat this stupid game! There has to be a simple solution! Argh! I want to kill some small animals! Where can I find some small animals?

2 hours and hundreds of games later, I finally gave up and Googled for the solution. Turned out that it was a variation of a classic game called Nim.

And no, there's no simple solution. It took my battered brain another 30 minutes to finally understand it. Overall, this was quite a humbling experience.

Now, I want all of you to suffer the way I did. Go play the game. And don't cheat!

Picked this up somewhere over the net. What do you guys think?

The final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

If you're like me, you're probably always complaining about how the decision makers in the government are idiots. They can't seem to get anything right. They can't handle the economy, they can't control crime, they can't trim the budget deficit.... They're idiots--all of them!

Well, you think you can do a better job? It's time to put your governance skills to the test.

NationStates is an online nation simulation game created by Australian author Max Barry. It allows you to create and control your own virtual nation.

I created my nation a few days ago. Feel free to visit.

The game is by no means a realistic political simulation--it's very simple. But it's surprisingly flexible. You can be as benevolent or as tyrannical as you want to be. From time to time, political issues arise, and you get to make decisions. Here's the issue that I got today.

The Issue

3. "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant Peggy McGuffin. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

Hmm, tough one. Which position should I go with? 1, 2, or 3? When faced with issues like this, I almost have to ask myself, WWBD--What Would Bush Do?

I am neither.

That is, if the Political Compass test is to be believed.

Some people may accuse me of having the temperament of Hitler and the fashion sense of Gandhi, but according to the test, I don't have much in common with them as far as political inclinations are concerned.

The test classified me as a right-wing libertarian--which sounds about right. How about you? Are you a Hitler, a Gandhi, or a dumbass George W. Bush? Take the test to find out.

You guys know the movie Super Size Me? If you don't here's a gist of the movie: Morgan Spurlock decided to eat at McDonald's 3 times a day for 30 days. After the experiment, he gained 30 pounds and saw his health deteriorate. Fun, eh?

Now after reading that, most of us would probably stay away from fast-food right? Suprisingly though, the movie inspired some people to try the all fast-food diet... And shockingly it worked for them! Some woman lost 37 pounds in 90 days of eating at McDonald's. No wonder Ronald McDonald is thin... What can you say now Dr. "Don't eat carbohydrates coz it'll make your ass look big" Atkins? Well... he can't say anything coz he's dead!

So what supports this McDonald's diet? Well... I'm not an expert but I think Jan Kwasniewski has an answer. His diet suggests eating large amounts of fat. It's so absurd it bears repeating. "To loose weight," as in, look my pants are falling down - "you need to eat large amounts of fat," which is the thing you're losing in the first place! Don't think about it for too long or blood will shoot out of your nose.

So there! If you wanna lose weight, eat at McDonald's! Order that Quarter Pounder with cheese and large fries... mmmmmm... I can almost taste it. Yum! And I'm gonna lose weight to boot! That's killing two birds with one stone. I dunno if one of those birds would be me though...